Prayer, Meditation and Expressing Gratitude by Odilia Rivera-Santos

There are people who struggle with the concept of 'God' or any other being or energy which might be in charge of how and when things shift in an individual life. Ego, negative connotations regarding organized religion and a reverence of intellectualism, above all else, can make prayer seem antithetical to a modern life in an urban setting.
Prayer is energy directed toward an unknown entity in order to relieve some of the angst, emotional injury and confusion of quotidian life -- this is my definition anyway. And I have found there is a definite vibrational energy created when a group of people are in the same room praying together.
I was not brought up in a family that went to church; my mother's guidance was based more on her ethics and morality than that of an organized religion. We were taught to not embarrass ourselves or our family.
I have friends who were brought up in a strict religious household and their response was to rebel and abandon all aspects of religious practice and to cringe at the mention of prayer, God, or any idea we might not know everything.

We do not and never will know everything

Life is full of strange occurrences, great beauty, cooperation between human beings, beautiful synchronicities in which a path appears to be mapped out and things work out perfectly with little effort on your part, horrific acts and injustices. We can't squander our lives in an attempt to decipher why every little thing happens. It is always a test of faith to stand your ground and pray despite dealing with what you view as unfair in your personal life or in the world.

Prayer, Meditation and expressions of gratitude

You do what you can in life. And sometimes, this means saying a prayer for those one cannot help and saying a prayer for healing in those areas of life in which one is struggling and a prayer to say thanks for whatever one has. And expressions of gratitude via a daily list can certainly soothe feelings of fear, desperation or general sadness regarding injustices in the world.

Are you comfortable playing the role of victim? by Odilia Rivera-Santos

Childhood abuse and internalizing abuse

Children often grow up in chaotic, dysfunctional homes in which they are abused, but being children, they do not have the option of packing a bag and moving out. As an adult, the onus, for dealing with a difficult childhood in which you internalized the role of victim, is on you.

I worked with male and female victims of domestic violence who held on tightly to a view of themselves as victims and this led me to some simple questions.

What are the benefits of being a 'victim'?
You don't have to take responsibility for any of your behavior; everyone else is bullying, nasty and unfair.
You don't have to grow up. You remain a child waiting for the right caretaker to guide you through the trials and tribulations of life.
You don't have to be the recipient of anger -- rational people don't yell at 'victims.'
You can feel superior to others because you are the maligned one and not the aggressor.

What would happen if you were an adult?
In a chaotic home, children and teenagers do not learn what they need to in order to feel equipped for young adult life. There are huge gaps in their education -- the education which emotionally healthy responsible parents would have provided. The hours in school can't possibly include all the lessons these kids could have gotten at home.
Learning as an adult what a 'normal' person would have learned as a child is difficult and can be humiliating to a sensitive soul.

Childhood soon turns into adulthood
Most adults will claim there were some unmet needs in childhood, teenage years, etc., and there are varying degrees of suffering within this. However, regardless of what happened in your life as a child, you have to be able to let go. I have worked with students who were victims of rape, incest, physical abuse, and verbal abuse within their households,and they were able to dig their way out of this emotional landfill -- some better than others.
Some of the students had turned to drug and alcohol abuse in order to cope with the trauma and this self-destructive decision brought many of them into twelve step programs and rehab. They were able to find solace in sharing their stories with those who'd experienced similar trauma and internalized the abuse to the point of picking up the first drink or drug.

The great thing about dropping the 'victim' role is you feel yourself grow emotionally, spiritually and psychological so you can finally catch up with your chronological age and lose the fear of abandoning a label which had, at one time, provided comfort and an excuse to hide from the world.

Are you becoming self-destructive trying to rescue a self-destructive person by Odilia Rivera-Santos

Things that are out of your control are out of your control. 

The bad news is you can't save a person from him or herself; the good news is you can't save a person from him or herself. For people who grow up in a chaotic environment in which boundaries are blurred and adults behave like children, leaving children to behave as adults, the idea of being caretakers becomes ingrained.
The caretaker usually doesn't do a good job taking care of him or herself. The focus is external and there is a sense of urgency to run from crisis to crisis in order to feel useful and dependence can be seen as an expression of love and friendship; however, a truly healthy relationship is interdependent.
Partnerships are important because one person can't rely on another to be well in any sense.

The reckless caretaker
The caretaker loves a challenge and continually seeks a more difficult 'case' to handle, and this often leads the caretaker to abandon his or her own health and well-being while trying to 'rescue' a self-destructive person. Compulsive caretaking is a self-destructive behavior because you are ignoring your own life and your own needs.
If you have friends or relatives on the deck of the Titanic, polishing their toenails, do you sit by their side or do you move on and polish your own toenails in the safety of your living room?

When you feel the urge to rescue a person against his or her own will, do five self-care actions to remind yourself you are allowed to enjoy your life. This is not to say one should become callous -- if someone asks for help, refer them to resources which would be of use, but do your best not to take on someone else's problems in your personal life. I have met many social workers who carry the title with them everywhere they go, becoming their relatives' and friends' social worker as well.

Sometimes, you have to make a list of people who make your smile and those who exhaust you after a five minute conversation, and decide what you want for yourself and how you want to spend your very valuable time.

Go hard or Take a Nap by Odilia Rivera-Santos

Rush rush American culture and prescription drugs

There is a prevalent idea in American culture that success can only be achieved through ignoring self-care, eating at your desk, not sleeping, not watching your children grow and in a constant state of supercaffeinatedness.
Many 'successful' people find themselves on multiple prescription medications due to their hectic schedules with no time to breathe or sit for a slow meal. Anxiety, depression and insomnia are some common issues for those who don't believe in their own abilities enough to sit still.

Lack of sleep, pushing your adrenals to their breaking point and seeing your kids' lives in pictures leads to a lot of dissatisfaction and a feeling of being on a treadmill in a dungeon when you were told you'd be taking a nice run in the park.

You earn to pay bills, buy nice furniture, go on vacation, but where is the joy in your vocation?
As a recovering workaholic who taught at two adult education programs, I can tell you there is little substance to a life that leaves little or no time for quiet contemplation. I lived on adrenaline and every minute of my day was accounted for.

The Digestion of Experience 

Imagine each day as it were a beautiful meal at a fine restaurant. There are many courses, each one more colorful than the last and the seasonings are varied and some even delicate. You eat the food with your hands while checking email, talking on the phone and don't stop between courses. Your mango lassi got swirled in your mouth with some basil thing with maybe some chicken in it or was it lamb?
This is the same thing as running from one activity to another --
Did you have any good conversations?
Was there someone who needed to sit with you and talk but you were running to the next experience?
How do you digest or process experience with no down time?
When someone said "Look how beautiful the sky looks today!" did you say, "Yeah" and start talking about your next business meeting?

Maybe, next time you feel you have to 'go hard,' you'll consider taking a nap and smelling the flowers.

At Brooklyn Church, Head of NAACP Denounces Stop and Frisk - WNYC

At Brooklyn Church, Head of NAACP Denounces Stop and Frisk - WNYC

Why would someone want to date you? by Odilia Rivera-Santos

There's nothing like a little self-assessment and self-awareness when you've nothing extravagant to do. We do Spring cleanings and periodically look through our belongings in the dead calm of winter to discard sweaters, hats and coats we no longer use, need or like. But we don't often look at our personalities as if it were a large closet and start plucking things from hangers and shelves.
At the close of a romantic relationship, a lot of people enjoy diagnosing a former lover. We listen to the stories with a sly smile. It is often the case that the teller sees him or herself as having been the better half of the relationship.
The flurry of adjectives and diagnoses gotten from pop psychology books and talk shows are all too predictable. Your ex was crazy and you were totally cool and never lost your temper.
Another angle would be to ask questions which would help with the evolutionary process from swamp thing to mature loving adult.
'Why would someone want to date me?'
'In what ways did I fail to be the real me in this relationship?'
'Was I honest about what kind of relationship I wanted?'
'Was I honest with my partner?'
'What are my best and worst qualities?

Using every experience to become a better person means you win. You'll show up as a better person in friendships, at work and in the most risky place there is: in love.

This could be an entertaining afternoon activity --  sorting through the personality characteristics you no longer want to use, need or like. And when you're done re-booting, ask yourself
'Why would someone want to date me?'

express gratitude and indulge yourself by accepting love and support from great people by Odilia Rivera-Santos

We are all travelers 

Finding the right people for a journey through the successes and failures in life is not always easy. Perhaps, you've gravitated toward people because they are familiar -- but, familiarity is not always a positive thing. Sometimes, the persons around you as an adult are a reflection of those souls with whom you were 'blessed' to share your childhood.
Everything -- good and bad -- is an experience in learning and spiritual growth.
While teaching writing classes, one of my most popular assignments was to have students write a detailed description of the most painful experience each had had as a child. Instead of having the student retell a dramatic history, they were required to write down three lessons from the experience.
They had to boil down the terrible story to one sentence and read the three lessons -- I thought this might create another pathway in the brain.. . a way to divest the terrible memories of their power to injure by supplanting the thoughts with something positive.
In many cases, the dramatic story faded to the background after students expressed gratitude for what they had learned. When you're a child, experiences are out of your control to a certain extent, but looking back as an adult, there is a beautiful re-framing.

How can you learn without pain?

As adults, people can examine the pros and cons of having certain people in our lives. If one is feeling particularly vulnerable, it is important to examine the platonic or romantic attraction to certain people. Relationships can provide support or re-ignite old pains. There are power dynamics are play in every relationship, but this needn't be a struggle for power or people trying to be the most influential. A healthy relationship has a fluidity of power, abilities, and interpersonal exchanges which strengthen each person's healthy characteristics.
Relationships are spiritual and sacred if we let them be.
Learning from another person as an adult can be a great experience if the exchange occurs through constructive criticism or some brainstorming sessions in which you help each other.
No one is perfect and we all have something to learn from another person.

Letting go of the 'wrong' people

Let go of people who are destructive to themselves and those around them. When you see yourself in the company of persons with whom you are in profound disagreement regarding your views of the world, ethics and life purpose, ask yourself why you are aiming so low and step back. Pray for the angry, the pessimists, the materialistic lulled into a sense of superiority by the expensive objects they own. Pray and let go.

Expressing gratitude and accepting love
When you see someone doing something you'd like to do, be humble and ask the person HOW he or she did it.
When you are tempted to be envious of someone else in your circle, consider how lucky you are to be in the company of someone you admire -- this is a sign you're headed in the right direction.
When you can say 'congratulations' and mean it, a new energy flow opens up.
Give love and you get love.
When someone offers to do something for you, accept this as a sign of love and admiration.
Accepting love is abundance. The things we possess have no foundation without a spiritual foundation.