Are you comfortable playing the role of victim? by Odilia Rivera-Santos

Childhood abuse and internalizing abuse

Children often grow up in chaotic, dysfunctional homes in which they are abused, but being children, they do not have the option of packing a bag and moving out. As an adult, the onus, for dealing with a difficult childhood in which you internalized the role of victim, is on you.

I worked with male and female victims of domestic violence who held on tightly to a view of themselves as victims and this led me to some simple questions.

What are the benefits of being a 'victim'?
You don't have to take responsibility for any of your behavior; everyone else is bullying, nasty and unfair.
You don't have to grow up. You remain a child waiting for the right caretaker to guide you through the trials and tribulations of life.
You don't have to be the recipient of anger -- rational people don't yell at 'victims.'
You can feel superior to others because you are the maligned one and not the aggressor.

What would happen if you were an adult?
In a chaotic home, children and teenagers do not learn what they need to in order to feel equipped for young adult life. There are huge gaps in their education -- the education which emotionally healthy responsible parents would have provided. The hours in school can't possibly include all the lessons these kids could have gotten at home.
Learning as an adult what a 'normal' person would have learned as a child is difficult and can be humiliating to a sensitive soul.

Childhood soon turns into adulthood
Most adults will claim there were some unmet needs in childhood, teenage years, etc., and there are varying degrees of suffering within this. However, regardless of what happened in your life as a child, you have to be able to let go. I have worked with students who were victims of rape, incest, physical abuse, and verbal abuse within their households,and they were able to dig their way out of this emotional landfill -- some better than others.
Some of the students had turned to drug and alcohol abuse in order to cope with the trauma and this self-destructive decision brought many of them into twelve step programs and rehab. They were able to find solace in sharing their stories with those who'd experienced similar trauma and internalized the abuse to the point of picking up the first drink or drug.

The great thing about dropping the 'victim' role is you feel yourself grow emotionally, spiritually and psychological so you can finally catch up with your chronological age and lose the fear of abandoning a label which had, at one time, provided comfort and an excuse to hide from the world.