Thursday, December 13, 2012

Staying above ground until you get out from under by Odilia Rivera-Santos

I had to sub for a missing-in-action teacher at a particularly tough teaching gig. It was a last-minute request; walking down the hall, I decided to do a lesson around self-love.
My audience for this interactive lecture was a group of people still shell-shocked by having landed in a homeless shelter. There was a rustle of plastic bags while they checked and re-checked that all their belongings were safe and I could see some of my students looking at the travel-sized toiletries they'd received from the shelter. While sitting close to students at each table, I noticed one woman had old cutting scars on her wrists.
Everyone was as fragile as a newborn and I considered the individual responses to that depth of vulnerability. Some people were angry and some were clearly feeling they'd failed at life. So many events are set in motion before one is born that it is always cruel to look at a homeless person, obese person, drug user without compassion. From afar, it may seem like a lack of discipline and it is certainly easy to tell the fat person to stop eating, the drug user to stop using and the homeless person to get it together and keep a job and pay their bills.
But working closely with people, you see these superficial aspects of who they are -- destitute, fat, addict -- serve as a dam to prevent a flood of overwhelmingly painful information and memories. Those behaviors keeping pain at bay tend to be damaging to the body and mind, but it is what those who live in isolation without loving support endure. Isolation is dangerous for human beings; we are social animals and need to share our lives and feelings with trustworthy people.

There is an expression about examining the past I found apropos, so I wrote it on the board.

LOOK BACK BUT DON'T STARE. 

We all have to look at how our brains were wired to re-wire beliefs and behaviors no longer necessary. The pose, defense mechanisms and tenor of our very being must undergo a transformation to be useful in a new context. The switch requires analysis, reflection and action.

Quiet authoritative confidence worked well for me when faced with angry students; I made it clear I was not the cause of their problems and could not solve them, but I could offer guidance and suggestions. If someone is kind and patient enough to offer rational suggestions, you give their suggestions a try and see what happens.

Looking at one's past is something to be done with care -- like brain surgery. I would argue that changing self-defeating or self-destructive behavior is a type of brain surgery.

How do you come back from your worst-case scenario?
Many people who were comfortably middle-class in New York City and around the world, now find the same feelings of failure and worthlessness as the neediest cases at a homeless shelter. Some lost businesses and homes with Hurricane Sandy.
Regardless of how people end up with less, there is a lot of shame around losing what one's worked so hard to achieve.

- create a community with whom to share your feelings with no fear of being judged
- get help with difficult actions; you might need some handholding and that's ok. If looking for a job, go to the public library for a free workshop or go to the unemployment office and take résumé-writing workshops, go to a financial services counselor to help you sort out finances and make difficult calls to financial institutions. Seedco is a great organization in NYC for helping individuals get back on their feet.
- journal: aim to write 100 things I am grateful for and 100 dreams/goals every morning
- have a weekly potluck with friends and watch a movie together.
- be gentle with yourself and make a list of habits that no longer work for you and write about how they worked and how they don't work now. This is incredibly therapeutic and dissolves any shame or feelings of failure.
- call five people per day who are supportive and kind; the calls can be simple check-in calls to say 'Hi'
- network in beautiful places; look for all the free parties at museums and art galleries
- go to all the free meditation and yoga workshops around the city to surround yourself with gentle people
- be gentle to other people. Frustration can sometimes make people angry at others, so be mindful. Speak to others the way you'd like them to speak to you.
- enjoy nature; The NY Road Runners Club has free running groups in the morning and evening. Join a free running or walking group
- ask for help every time you need help; this is part of being human and puts reciprocity into motion.

The training you had as a child may need to be re-evaluated, as circumstances change in your life, in order to see what aspects of your upbringing are holding you back right now.

Self-love
Coming back from your worst case scenario is best done with a lot of compassion and love for your own experience and self.