If you want to play the role of martyr in your life, you will have a lot of supporting players by Odilia Rivera-Santos

In many philosophical and religious texts, you will see mention of the importance of doing for others, selflessness, and thinking of others before thinking of one's own well-being.

This can be a confusing message.

If you help others before helping yourself, you run the risk of becoming very physically, mentally and spiritually depleted. And, you will also create unhealthy relationships.

If you are the triage center in your circle, especially in work and in your personal life, you have to examine why you choose the martyr role.

Self-Esteem Issues and Overwork

An interdependent or bidirectional relationship requires you to be vulnerable and to trust another human being to love you and want what is best for you. 

Compromise requires confidence in the ability of others and the willingness, on your part, to let go of control.

Sadness and Depression Expressed as Anger 

One of the most effective mechanisms for keeping people at arm's length is the tool of anger. This is an effective tool for keeping you from developing close intimate nonsexual relationships. People will tiptoe around you, avoid your triggers and keep away from you on days when your anger is raging.

When people are constantly censoring themselves and trying to avoid angering you, you end up with very few friendships and very few interactions.

Anger is exhausting to witness and hard on the nervous system for all persons involved, especially children.

Creating a Dramatic Story

You were abandoned by an important person in your childhood -- a time in which the brain is still being wired and we create our expectations for our adult selves.

You may have no conscious feeling or thought about this 'abandonment' but you have plenty of stories now about the people who don't call you, don't love you or who only call when they need you.

And the real question is 

Do you feel lovable?

Can you just be yourself without micromanaging another person's life or proving yourself all the time?

Can you offer just your company, sense of humor, and opinions about what you love and why?

Giving without Resentment 

Offer others only what you can give with no expectations and no strings attached; otherwise, you will add more logs to the fire of anger. Anger really is akin to a fire, heating up your nervous system, liver, causing red cheeks, migraines and can be very disturbing to witness.

If you give with no expectation and let go of control, your relationships shift. Relationships based on mutual interests instead of what one can provide for the other is a healthy reasonable

Non-resentment building relationship

-- infinitely more sustainable as well. 

Love When You Say Love, Poetry by Odilia RIvera-Santos

Nyc Poor but Cool by Odilia Rivera-Santos

I was walking down the street and noticed a group of women in Harlem going to lunch on a Friday. They worked at a children's advocacy organization, which offered a low salary, a lot of stress and the opportunity to do incredible work bettering the lives of children and families with little to no recognition.

The three women appeared to have a Friday lunch ritual -- of going window shopping and to an inexpensive restaurant. They were fit, beautiful and very stylish, but they were living within their means: inexpensive clothes, shoes and designer knockoff bags. I thought about the importance of their work, the value they added to the community they serve and how nothing was cooler than a sense of accomplishment. 

I thought about how we assign monetary and spiritual value to certain types of work.

Watching the three women walk down the street on a Friday, they appeared happy and carefree. Their belief system had not been hijacked by materialism, nor had their work bound them to an ascetic asexual existence. 

This is why the blog is called NYC Poor But Cool

... In case you were wondering



Love When You Say Love, Poetry by Odilia Rivera-Santos

100 Things You Can Do to Make Your Life Better by Odilia Rivera-Santos

1. Pray
2. Take a bubble bath
3. Do some cardio
4. Go to a free museum gathering to meet new people
5. Create bidirectional relationships.
6. Visit a NYC neighborhood as if you were a tourist, take notes like a Travel Writer and plenty of pictures.
7. Visit a Career Coach to receive an objective perspective on your work life. Free at NYPL:
8. Take a yoga class
9. Take a meditation class.
10. Meditate for five minutes each morning. Sit in a silent, dark room and focus on abdominal breathing
11. Draw for 15 minutes.
12. Buy organic dried lavender. Place lavender in a glass or ceramic bowl which can withstand heat, pour boiling hot water and place a lid on it, let sit until cooled and pour in bath water.
13. Sign up for  a www.meetup.com group in an area of interest you've never explored
14. Find a mentor
15. Become a mentor
16. Dance -- at home, alone, with friends, or at a venue.
17. Ask your doctor for a thyroid screening to check for hypothyroidism or hyperthyroidism
18. Change your diet for five days. Eat raw or steamed vegetables with a protein source and two tablespoons of flax oil.
19. Call someone you admire, take him/her out for coffee and ask questions.
20. Write for 15 minutes each day about anything and everything.
21. Sign up for a free online MIT class
22. Listen to an educational, motivational, or spiritual podcast while lying on the floor or sitting still.
23. Start a book club. Assign books, get a location and find willing participants.
24. Give up a bad habit. If you can't do it alone, get help.
25. Write a letter to God.
26. Make a list of ten self-care actions and tape list to front door and fridge.
27. Write a Life Mission Statement: Why are you on earth again?
28. Shop in your closet. Give away what you don't want and reinvent what you're keeping.
29. Write down names of each person with whom you interact often. And ask yourself "How can I be a better friend, sister, brother, girlfriend, daughter, etc?
30. Sign up for an improv class. Make a fool of yourself to get over your fear of making a fool of yourself.
31. Pay attention to your interactions with people for an entire day. To whom did you give the most attention and energy? To the negative people? To the optimistic types? etc
32. Make a list of all your frustrations before going to sleep every night for 30 days.
33. Write a letter apologizing to a deceased relative.
34. Write a letter apologizing to a living relative.
35. Intercept negative self-talk with a self-care action. Refer to your self-care list.
36. Remove yourself from situations which are unnecessarily stressful and over which you have no control.
37. On Sundays, under the heading "I forgive myself for," make a list of all your mistakes during the week.
38. Crochet a scarf
39. Learn to knit
40. Have a www.netflix.com movie night potluck gathering with friends
41. Make a film with your phone
42. Join a walking group www.meetups.com
43. Make a collage of your life
44. Go to bed early, to sleep, one day per week
45. Drink water with lemon and a tiny pinch of salt
46. Make soup
47. Have a dinner party -- everybody can bring a little something
48. Go see live music
49. Got to a book signing by yourself and strike up a conversation with a stranger. Practice your irl social skills
50. Ask someone how to do something. Be willing to be teachable
51. Learn something new on Youtube and share info with friends
52. Donate $5.00, to something somewhere, anonymously
53. Give yourself a facial
54. Give yourself a pedicure
55. Simplify your email account.
56. Rethink how you let people into your life, on and offline
57. Promote someone else's work for fifteen minutes per week
58. Promote your own work for fifteen minutes per day
59.  Participate in a well-moderated online discussion
60. Keep track of your activities for one week. What do you need to change?
61. Get a massage
62. Go to an acupuncturist
63. Hire a Personal Trainer or Wellness Coach, even if it's for one session.
64. Go to a singles' event
65. Go for a walk in Central Park with friends
66. Join the NY RoadRunners' Group and attend their workshops
67. Set up a study schedule. What do you want to learn?
68. Go to the dentist.
69. Get health insurance
70. Make art: paint a piece of furniture
71. Wear brighter colors
72. Get some sun, even if you do it sitting by the window of your local coffee shop
73. Make a slow breakfast
74. Avoid conflict with those who have nothing to offer but conflict. Why engage?
75. Write a gratitude list.
76. Write a children's book for yourself as a child. What did you want to read when you were 6?
77. Write a letter to the new mayor. What do New Yorkers need according to you?
78. Write a letter to your seventeen-year-old self.
79. Look for your dream apartment even if you can't afford it. Imagine, visualization and the universe delivers.
80. Ask someone you trust for advice about something and follow his/her suggestions.
81. Fail
82. Get up after you fail
83. Analyze your successes
84. Stand naked in front of the mirror and thank God for every body part. One by one.
85. Read a newspaper in paper form. They still make them.
86. Avoid comparing yourself to others unless it's to instill a sense of gratitude. You may not be exactly where you want to be, but you're not in the Ukraine.
87. Accept your pace. Everyone is in the race and each of us has his/her pace
88. Run an actual race. Train, prepare, get great advice, watch your nutrition and do it.
89. Find a religious practice in which you feel accepted, loved and validated and make a committment
90. Linger, smile and talk after a networking event instead of hurriedly giving out business cards and talking to as many people as possible.
91. Go to the movies
92. Go to the Highline
93. Go to Cold Spring, New York
94. Go to the Cloisters
95. Write about who you were in your last romantic relationship and who you are now
96. Think about what you expect from yourself
97. Write a poem
98. Read poetry
99. Support local artists in NYC
100. Help someone with no expectations