100 Things You Can Do to Make Your Life Better by Odilia Rivera-Santos

1. Pray
2. Take a bubble bath
3. Do some cardio
4. Go to a free museum gathering to meet new people
5. Create bidirectional relationships.
6. Visit a NYC neighborhood as if you were a tourist, take notes like a Travel Writer and plenty of pictures.
7. Visit a Career Coach to receive an objective perspective on your work life. Free at NYPL:
8. Take a yoga class
9. Take a meditation class.
10. Meditate for five minutes each morning. Sit in a silent, dark room and focus on abdominal breathing
11. Draw for 15 minutes.
12. Buy organic dried lavender. Place lavender in a glass or ceramic bowl which can withstand heat, pour boiling hot water and place a lid on it, let sit until cooled and pour in bath water.
13. Sign up for  a www.meetup.com group in an area of interest you've never explored
14. Find a mentor
15. Become a mentor
16. Dance -- at home, alone, with friends, or at a venue.
17. Ask your doctor for a thyroid screening to check for hypothyroidism or hyperthyroidism
18. Change your diet for five days. Eat raw or steamed vegetables with a protein source and two tablespoons of flax oil.
19. Call someone you admire, take him/her out for coffee and ask questions.
20. Write for 15 minutes each day about anything and everything.
21. Sign up for a free online MIT class
22. Listen to an educational, motivational, or spiritual podcast while lying on the floor or sitting still.
23. Start a book club. Assign books, get a location and find willing participants.
24. Give up a bad habit. If you can't do it alone, get help.
25. Write a letter to God.
26. Make a list of ten self-care actions and tape list to front door and fridge.
27. Write a Life Mission Statement: Why are you on earth again?
28. Shop in your closet. Give away what you don't want and reinvent what you're keeping.
29. Write down names of each person with whom you interact often. And ask yourself "How can I be a better friend, sister, brother, girlfriend, daughter, etc?
30. Sign up for an improv class. Make a fool of yourself to get over your fear of making a fool of yourself.
31. Pay attention to your interactions with people for an entire day. To whom did you give the most attention and energy? To the negative people? To the optimistic types? etc
32. Make a list of all your frustrations before going to sleep every night for 30 days.
33. Write a letter apologizing to a deceased relative.
34. Write a letter apologizing to a living relative.
35. Intercept negative self-talk with a self-care action. Refer to your self-care list.
36. Remove yourself from situations which are unnecessarily stressful and over which you have no control.
37. On Sundays, under the heading "I forgive myself for," make a list of all your mistakes during the week.
38. Crochet a scarf
39. Learn to knit
40. Have a www.netflix.com movie night potluck gathering with friends
41. Make a film with your phone
42. Join a walking group www.meetups.com
43. Make a collage of your life
44. Go to bed early, to sleep, one day per week
45. Drink water with lemon and a tiny pinch of salt
46. Make soup
47. Have a dinner party -- everybody can bring a little something
48. Go see live music
49. Got to a book signing by yourself and strike up a conversation with a stranger. Practice your irl social skills
50. Ask someone how to do something. Be willing to be teachable
51. Learn something new on Youtube and share info with friends
52. Donate $5.00, to something somewhere, anonymously
53. Give yourself a facial
54. Give yourself a pedicure
55. Simplify your email account.
56. Rethink how you let people into your life, on and offline
57. Promote someone else's work for fifteen minutes per week
58. Promote your own work for fifteen minutes per day
59.  Participate in a well-moderated online discussion
60. Keep track of your activities for one week. What do you need to change?
61. Get a massage
62. Go to an acupuncturist
63. Hire a Personal Trainer or Wellness Coach, even if it's for one session.
64. Go to a singles' event
65. Go for a walk in Central Park with friends
66. Join the NY RoadRunners' Group and attend their workshops
67. Set up a study schedule. What do you want to learn?
68. Go to the dentist.
69. Get health insurance
70. Make art: paint a piece of furniture
71. Wear brighter colors
72. Get some sun, even if you do it sitting by the window of your local coffee shop
73. Make a slow breakfast
74. Avoid conflict with those who have nothing to offer but conflict. Why engage?
75. Write a gratitude list.
76. Write a children's book for yourself as a child. What did you want to read when you were 6?
77. Write a letter to the new mayor. What do New Yorkers need according to you?
78. Write a letter to your seventeen-year-old self.
79. Look for your dream apartment even if you can't afford it. Imagine, visualization and the universe delivers.
80. Ask someone you trust for advice about something and follow his/her suggestions.
81. Fail
82. Get up after you fail
83. Analyze your successes
84. Stand naked in front of the mirror and thank God for every body part. One by one.
85. Read a newspaper in paper form. They still make them.
86. Avoid comparing yourself to others unless it's to instill a sense of gratitude. You may not be exactly where you want to be, but you're not in the Ukraine.
87. Accept your pace. Everyone is in the race and each of us has his/her pace
88. Run an actual race. Train, prepare, get great advice, watch your nutrition and do it.
89. Find a religious practice in which you feel accepted, loved and validated and make a committment
90. Linger, smile and talk after a networking event instead of hurriedly giving out business cards and talking to as many people as possible.
91. Go to the movies
92. Go to the Highline
93. Go to Cold Spring, New York
94. Go to the Cloisters
95. Write about who you were in your last romantic relationship and who you are now
96. Think about what you expect from yourself
97. Write a poem
98. Read poetry
99. Support local artists in NYC
100. Help someone with no expectations

The Compassionate Heart, work and Emotional Blackmail

By Odilia Rivera-Santos

I was recently asked to do some grant-writing for free, a Wellness Workshop for free and so on and so on. After the usual compliments about my 'brilliance' and 'talent,' I get the request to help the 'community'

I guess we have to define 'community.'

For me, the word refers to a group of people who wish me well and with whom I share an interdependent relationship.

An interdependent relationship means I help those who help me; if someone is hoping to provide me the opportunity to 'practice' my nerd skills, there's no need. I hone my writing and research skills on a daily basis and have nothing to prove by sitting kumbayah- style with someone to provide free labor.

My ancestors worked for free and it didn't bode well for them. The word 'community' is often thrown in for the emotional blackmail part. Making the person with the education and skills feel as though providing free services for agencies in low- income neighborhoods is mandatory in order to be considered kind, good, caring, and compassionate.

For many of us who grew up in low-expectation neighborhoods, the desire to be considered good -- the one who came back to help -- is extremely important.

However, the people most deserving of a salary and/or a higher salary, than those coming into the community, are those who understand the psychosocial challenges of being in the low-expectations community. The ones who come back know more than those who opened up shop in the hood after moving to NYC from the Midwest.

After thousands of hours of volunteer work, as an interpreter, translator, teacher, grant writer, etc., I just say no.

My work has value and paying someone to work for you also has value -- called it reciprocity or interdependence.

If I choose to volunteer for something, I will. If you ask for free labor and I say no, you might take it personally or you might stop talking to me. I'm grown, so I can handle it.

Refusing to work for free for a friend might elicit the ol' emotional blackmail

Odilia, I thought we were friends. Don't you like me?

We are friends. I do like you, but I like me more.

How is Your Spiritual 401K Doing?

By Odilia Rivera-Santos

Spiritual 401K Questions

1. What do you do to care for your body?

2. What do you do to care for your mental health?

3. What do you do to connect with God (insert your preference)

4. What do you do to be of service to your neighbors, community, friends, and family?

5. When was the last time you gave a gift anonymously with no expectation of praise?

6. What do you ask for upon awakening each day?

7. What biases do you carry with you against particular ethnic, racial or religious groups?

8. What do you do each day to be emotionally present for others?

9. What do you do to improve your work-related skills so your work may help more people?

10. What do you consider prior to investing in a company or organization? (From a $2.00 coffee to a major financial investment)

Do you suffer from depression or a depressive perspective? By OdiliaRivera-Santos

The work of changing one's perspective can be long and arduous, especially if a person sees negative traits as an integral part of herself.

I'm reminded of smokers who are horribly offended if you say 'it stinks of cigarettes in here' because they identify with the cigarette/their addiction to the point of personalizing a comment about smoke.

Learning from my students

While working with undocumented immigrants, survivors of domestic violence, and individuals on public assistance, I noticed how many of those with Medicaid were on antidepressants.

One woman would fall asleep in class despite being highly motivated to learn. I asked her why she was so sleepy and she explained it was the antidepressants she was taking. She was a young single mother, a victim of domestic violence and living in a homeless shelter. Her doctor had given her several meds, which made her so drowsy she could sleep twelve hours and still be tired. She was not able to function -- just like the individuals on Methadone with whom I'd also worked.

A young, intelligent Colombian woman of color with many reasons to be unhappy was classified as 'depressed.'

There are very few people who could endure what she had endured without emotional support -- she had no family or friends in New York. She told me she was falling asleep on the train, and I told her to go to a different doctor. She had considered changing doctors but didn't want to 'offend' her doctor.
A woman just coming out of a domestic violence situation rarely takes the initiative to take care of herself.

I kept prodding until she made an appointment with another doctor. The new doctor weaned her off of all the meds. He said she didn't need any of the drugs and recommended therapy. 

It is very dangerous to stop taking antidepressants unless you do so with the help of a physician, so if you want to change your medication, make an appointment with your doctor.

Once she got off the meds, she was focused, attentive and happy to be in class. She no longer feared she would lose custody of her three-year-old, and then, I began working with her perspective.

I pointed out every time she made a negative comment about herself, her life, her past, her ex-husband, her prospects in life and she would smile and say 'I did it again!'

After a while, she would say 'I no say negative thing.' And she would stop herself.

She wrote gratitude lists in class, and I had her write about what her painful experiences had taught her. Bad experiences are like shopping at a thrift store; if you're determined, patient and willing, you will find something worthwhile but you may have to dig through a lot of crap first.

I learned a lot about human behavior, depression and the power of positive or negative self-talk from this student. 

No emotional Support

She had no family support, no friends, and her world view had been shaped by an abusive childhood and abusive husband. She was taught to not trust people or to speak to anyone about her problems -- this was something her abusive parents and husband needed in order to stay out of prison. She was taught to protect those who hurt her the most.

Internalize the negativity and torture from childhood

She was taught that 'reality' was to expect nothing good and to accept she deserved crumbs. She was beautiful, smart and charming and dated abusive losers. She internalized her childhood abuse by seeking the familiar -- she chose to date a man who was similar to her abusive mother, father or both.

Maintain very low expectations

Her parents taught her that someone from her background would never be successful, and any attempt to succeed would end in humiliating failure. She got married at a young age to an abusive man and this provided continuity.

She lived as if she were in a prison from her parents home to her husband's -- he controlled the finances and didn't allow her to work.

Doctor as batterer

After she finally left her husband, she ended up in a homeless shelter and a doctor put her on meds. She may or may not have needed an antidepressant, but she was a battered woman not accustomed to questioning an authority figure or disagreeing with someone she considered 'superior' in some way.

A woman recovering from a life of violence cannot trust her thinking around authority figures because her survival mechanism was to acquiesce. I told her to take an interpreter to her appointments or a friend just so she could have the courage to ask a question.

Sometimes, people suffer from a depressive perspective, not depression

She got off the meds, starting going to counseling and keeping a gratitude journal and I was glad to have helped her open her eyes figuratively and literally.

What happened to her?

The last time I saw her, she had gotten a job, an apartment and she was smiling. And she still called me 'teacha.'

Survivalist Gear on a Winter's Day

Odilia Rivera-Santos

This has been a real winter with seemingly endless frosty mornings, talk of wind chill factor and ankle-high icy slush at every crosswalk. On Thursday morning, as one blizzard continued to pile up silence down normally noisy streets, I decided to take pictures of workers in the Bronx and in Harlem. There were few adventurers to be found and I recognized this as the kind of winter none of us missed and we certainly were no longer accustomed to real cold. 

Everyone was wearing survivalist gear -- waterproofed, covered up to the nose and, like true survivalists, taking very little risks. In survivor mode, you keep your nose to the grindstone and your eyes on your very next immediate needs -- no frivolity allowed. A walk to just walk is unheard of in survivorland, so I ventures out to break free of survivorism brought on by real weather. It is, after all, supposed to be cold in winter, and we would do right to be terrified of overly warm temperatures in Febuary.

I marched, in military coat and waterproof combat boots, through this problem of tangible weather... Walked through the Bronx, across the bridge headed to Harlem and ran into a few fellow adventurer friends who happened to be off-the-beaten-path types braving winter just to face it nose to nose.

Our beautiful city changes outfits and always manages an interesting admirable look from elegant to grunge to slovenly and I love New York City because when you turn a corner, there's always another and another and another. City living, just like life, is not for the faint-hearted or easily defeated.

Persist, Simplify, Live to Impress Yourself. By Odilia Rivera-Santos

No good comes from trying to impress others. If you're running a race, every second counts and every second of losing focus could bring about an injury or a loss in ranking.

Live to impress yourself and no one else because what other people think about you never matters. It is only actions taken for or against you that matter.

Your own thoughts about you, however, are incredibly important. Words and thoughts are vibrational -- sometimes, it is only through paying attention to your gut feeling or a flutter in your chest that we can decipher what to leave and what to move toward, as far as situations and people. 

Persist - everything worth having requires sacrifice mediated by common sense. The possibility of death or grave injury in pursuit of a goal might quell your passion.

Simplify - meditate each morning to see, hear and feel more clearly. Your actions throughout the day are more likely to approximate sanity if you get in tune with the omniscient being of your choice -- instead of running from bed to front door with a cup of coffee clinging to your hand.

Live to impress yourself - you know where you've been, you know what you've done, you know what you're worth, and looking left or right to see how others see you is a waste of time -- time better spent considering where you're headed. 

New Year's Resolutions Diluted 2014

Odilia Rivera-Santos

For many, December 31st is a day of nitpicking and heavy self-criticism and self-flagellation. Lists of what was NOT accomplished abound and from their ashes is borne a brand new unrealistic to-do list.

New Year's Resolutions can be divided into two categories: easy stuff and hard stuff.

This may sound like a ridiculous oversimplification, but the truth is that if you have to create a list, there may be some blockage/obstacle/self-sabotage associated with those items you know you have to tackle.

The really easy stuff doesn't require a place on a list or alerts set up on the phone. 

1.Weight Loss

How about making a list of fun stress-reducing activities. A major cause of overeating and physical inactivity is emotional stress.

I've observed from many years of teaching and working with humans that when people 'fail' to accomplish a particular goal, they deny themselves pleasurable activity. It is a form of masochism. If you don't get the expected raise, turn on music and dance; otherwise, you might eat your feelings.

Dance, sing, laugh, and play regardless of the outcome of your efforts. Consider what you learned through a process even if the outcome is not what you'd hoped. If you learn nothing from unpleasant experiences and results, time is truly wasted. Analyze your successes more than your 'failures'

2. Change Careers

Before you pursue a different Line of Work, set up an appointment with a Career Counselor, which you may be able to do free-of-charge through a local college or library. Otherwise, make the investment and pay for a career coach to help prep you for the next phase of your work life. Never leap without the net of talking to a professional and doing research. You can also go to networking events, join a meetup group or attend a free small business workshop. 

Small steps instead of a big leap.

3. Become more organized

The best way to know what happens with those 24 hours is to keep a time journal, which is similar to a food journal. Wasting calories on junk food is akin to wasting time on things over which you have no control. Do you spend hours discussing the same issue over and over again with the same people?

It might be time to loosen or undo ties with the time suckers in your life.

4. Big Art Projects

Writing the next big American novel?

Take a writing workshop and stay in touch with fellow workshop participants. After participating in a structured workshop, you can continue to offer each other writerly support via Google Hangouts, iCall or in person. 

Set aside time each day for writing -- Internet and Phone free -- and share your progress with fellow writers who can praise and critique.

Be social with your goals. Share them with friends online and irl. People will cheer your incremental changes, achievements and efforts. You can be kind toward yourself as you work toward revitalizing your life.