Should I dim my light to make you feel better about yourself?Surrounding yourself with insecure people can have very dangerousconsequences by Odilia Rivera-Santos

I was born in a working-class community in Puerto Rico in which people were judged on their integrity. 
Integrity being the ability to provide food, shelter, pay off the corner store at the end of the week, and clothe your family. Religion kept the desire for extras at a minimum -- piousness quelled our desire for beautiful expensive things and our mother discouraged us from decorating ourselves. We were not to want ostentatious things, nor were we ourselves to become ostentatious things to become desirable objects.

In order to adhere to religious tenets, which promised safety from harm if we embraced and accepted an austere life, we were encouraged to aim for invisibility. Being invisible was part of having a sense of integrity; if you had your children and wife under control, they were invisible -- not gossip-worthy, but not praise-worthy either. 

My experience was very particular. After moving to the South Bronx, I discovered people were not judged on their integrity; they were judged on their ability to earn and buy new things.

The income gradations could be very subtle but people found ways to pounce on each other with criticism and jokes. Shame about poverty was brought into the equation upon our arrival in New York City. The desire for invisibility, which had originally been borne of a need to protect the family's reputation, now shifted to a desire to hide the family's poverty. 

In Puerto Rico, surrounded by nature, within walking distance to the beach, listening to the rooster crow in the morning and watching people take fastidious care of their tiny plots of land and no one ever daring to throw garbage on the street was not poverty. We had fresh fish, ate our own organic produce, home-cooked meals, walked to different relatives homes and could leave the house alone to visit a neighbor.

Internalization of your surroundings and fear of ownership of your talents

The streets were filthy, people urinated in the elevator and there was a steady stream of heroin addicts nodding out with arms bleeding and some who used the lobby to shoot up. My mother told me to not look, but I looked because I was born a writer. I had to take notes upon God's recommendation. I looked and saw people doing horrible things to themselves and their loved ones.

Internalization of the ugliness of our surroundings was something everyone did to a certain extent. And this did breed insecurity in all of us to varying degrees; luckily for me, I was able to counter this insecurity with teachers in school calling me a genius. So, I vacillated somewhere between considering myself worthless and considering myself a genius.

Rural Puerto Rican humility/invisibility versus American self-congratulatory Culture 

In a new culture, which encouraged us to aim high and aim to be noticed, we became confused. 

At home and in the non-community, in the South Bronx, which we now lived, surrounded by insecure people, to speak of my accomplishments was seen as bragging -- an abhorrent thing. To speak of my accomplishments around insecure people who felt they had no accomplishments was asking to be criticized and brought down a notch or beaten up. The honor students were fighting a hard battle and the prison track kids were ones who had been severely beaten down physically, emotionally and psychologically -- they underperformed to save their sanity. The honor students risked their sanity and safety to believe someday, we might be in an environment appreciative of our merits and in which we could express ourselves without fear of criticism or attack. 

It was the typical clash of cultures in which one is constantly choosing which aspects serve to move one toward a particular goal. 

Choosing to surround yourself with insecure people can prevent you from attaining your goals

If you were trained to believe invisibility, not accomplishing too much or earning too much is somehow safer, you will gravitate toward insecure people. Insecure people do a lot of comparing and become jealous easily. This kind of energy is not conducive to reaching goals, and it is tempting, when surrounded by insecure people, to hold back, not share good news and to generally become a diminished version of yourself in order to not injure. The other temptation is to become the mentor to everyone around you, which is another method to avoid reaching your potential. 

What is humility?

In my sometimes humble opinion, humility is acknowledging that our gifts and even the willingness to use them are God-given, treating people with loving kindness and compassion, and being patient with those who have a different knowledge base or who process information differently.

Why are you fearful of reaching your potential?

What stories do you tell yourself about the negative repercussions of high achievement?

What triggers you to sabotage great opportunities?

Would you dare surround yourself with people who are ready and willing to do anything to achieve their goals? 

Are you surrounding yourself with saboteurs? By Odilia Rivera-Santos

A couple of days ago, I taught a health literacy workshop for a group of retirees. 

I challenged them to politely disengage from negative people who offer no constructive criticism. The people who say 'that's not going to work,' 'that doesn't look good' 'your idea makes no sense'

These are people who criticize everything and they never offer an alternative plan to yours; they take a hammer to your hopes, dreams and life like a rowdy group of teenagers in an abandoned house.

The critic is really a saboteur whose actions may be based in jealousy or misdirected love. They may also be people whose egos suffer from the slightest stumble in life and they can't bear to watch a friend take a big risk and possibly a big tumble if their ideas fail.

I challenged the group to create a community instead of surrounding themselves with the angry, disappointed or perpetually sullen. 

Retirement could offer at least that -- the opportunity to engage with people whose qualities we admire and want to emulate and whose presence brings a smile, not preparation for the defense.

Imagine the time you'd save without the stress of tapdancing for cruel judges, even if unintentionally crude.

What would happen if you left insecure people behind to do what they need to do? You might get a lot more done.

Word?

I did a Spring cleaning of my on and offline life and as my circle of friends got smaller, my life got a lot bigger. The naysayers have gone to nay elsewhere and the angry will surely find their kind in our great city where people will go to court for 5 years over an uneven sidewalk.

The Glorification of Being Busy all the time by Odilia Rivera-Santos

Good things happen to those who hustle -- Anais Nin? Jesus?
It's a cool quote but it's not Nin's

I have always loved this quote wrongly attributed to Nin and think many people misconstrue it to mean one should be doing something every minute of the day to accomplish a particular goal. Nin was a sensual woman who enjoyed slow meals with friends and parties with her intellectual peers. She was brilliant, clever and had the financial support of a husband as she meandered through her journey as an artist, writing about every aspect of her life, taking lovers and financing other artists' projects.

'Good things happen to those who hustle' has more to do with taking advantage of opportunities as they present themselves, if the fit is right, than the idea one must run from action to action all day and fall into bed exhausted every night. Ms. Nin took plenty of naps in her garden with a book slipping out of her fingertips while her lover caressed the tendrils around her face. She was no nine-to-fiver running from apartment to train station at rush hour, losing a shoe on a grate in the process.

Nin knew how to chill and kick back and sprinkle a bit of her brilliance and feminine powers to make things happen. There is a finesse to not forcing things, to not barking up the wrong tree too ferociously for too long, to not being desperate to get things done and to not expecting the worst.

THE BUSY LIFE AND NUMBNESS

Adrenaline is a great painkiller. Being busy can keep you numb and prevent you from grieving a death, grieving the end of a relationship or dealing with the emotions that come with everyday struggles in life.

Maybe, you've kept yourself outrageously busy because you fear taking a close look at your life and how the little fires are becoming infernos. 

Maybe, if you were less busy, you would find out you are lonely for family, for supportive real friendships or for a committed romantic relationship.

Maybe, you'd discover you don't like yourself as much as you'd like to and this is the driving factor behind the artificial accomplishment of being too busy all the time. 

Maybe, you don't value yourself and your accomplishments enough to believe the right work and/or the right projects will come to you.

DO YOU DARE BE LESS BUSY?

You can only examine your life and/or deepen a spiritual practice at a slow pace. 

The monkey mind going from one idea to another and from one action to another is not road to a happy life or long-lasting physical or mental health.

Defiance: punching yourself in the face at the request of your ego by Odilia Rivera-Santos

Defiance is not a healthy thing -- the majority of the time.
Defiance is the instigator, the kid who throws a rock and hides his hand and sits to watch the melee, and is unleashed by the ego. The ego is a flabby, undisciplined mess that stares at shiny objects, craves instant gratification instantly and would rather be right and alone and unloved than happy with loving company. It is a dangerous pair: defiance and your ego. Each is willing to get the other arrested but neither will provide bail when needed.

If you don't understand if you're motivated by rational thought or defiance, your ego's henchman, consider paying attention to physiological clues. Racing heart rate, racing thoughts and flushed cheeks are a sure sign your adrenaline is pumping and you are about to act like a crazy fool. Defiance has come over to punch you in the face on the request of your ego.

If you don't understand why defiance may be a problem in your life, consider writing out a list of times at which you were defiant and how your actions were received. You might also want to look at yourself in the mirror and apologize.

What poverty are you addicted to? by Odilia Rivera-Santos A.K.A. @Bezotes

When a person is addicted to a certain kind of poverty, there is always a compelling story behind it; the compelling story leads to the formation of character traits, which can become a source of pride.

What kind of poverty are you addicted to and how can you change the story?

Prune the story.

Instead of adding more details, state a fact simply in one sentence. 

Turn your tragedy into a haiku.

List character traits borne of your haiku tragedy

Write down who this haiku tragedy turned you into and meditate on how well this person functions in the everyday world. 

Does he/she feel happy, content, angry, sad?

Experiment with small changes

If your haiku taught you to be a loner, make a list of events you'd like to attend and go out twice per week and talk to at least three people.

If your haiku taught you to be an emotional eater, make a phone call instead.

If your haiku taught you to choose unhealthy romantic partners, stop choosing and give yourself a vacation from the world of love. It will still be there when you get back from a mini-vacation.

If your haiku taught you to forget to take care of yourself, write down 20 self-care actions and keep the list near your bed as a reminder that self-care is like brushing your teeth. 

Could you deal with being an upgraded, happier version of yourself?

Self-Awareness is not achieved in isolation; it takes a village by Odilia Rivera-Santos

I was talking to an obese woman (over 300 lbs) and she explained how weight gain was genetic and cited a lot of convoluted science to bolster her argument. I didn't say much because I don't argue with the stories people tell themselves to avoid doing what they have to do.
The obese woman calming spoke about food additives, food corporations' desire to create addictive foods, etc. The fascinating thing was she ate two large bagels loaded with cream cheese and proceeded to eat muffins and drink a large high-calorie coffee beverage. She was completely unaware of what a huge quantity of food she had consumed in a very short period of time. It was one of the moments in which I could truly see a person getting high from food. Her speech became more lethargic and her eyes began to glaze over. I didn't say anything because I've learned from prior experience not to get between an individual and his or her choice of weapon for self-destruction.
It did make me think about self-awareness. Not only did she not see how much she was eating, but she was also unaware of how people stared at her as they walked by our table.
Studies on genetic predisposition for a particular condition may be flawed and even if they are completely accurate, it is our job as caretakers of our bodies to fight to prevent negative outcomes.
It is often the case that fat children have fat parents and fat grandparents who all eat calories from sources that negatively affect sugar levels and metabolism.
Sometimes, it isn't genetics; sometimes, it's learned behavior.

Do you know how to set boundaries on and offline? Odilia Rivera-Santos

There are clients, friends, close friends, fans and acquaintances. It's important to categorize individuals in your life in order to establish healthy boundaries on and offline.
Your peers are people who share enough commonalities to allow conversation to flow and I would never say it is important for a person to have a certain level of education because I've known brilliant people with a fifth grade education.
I am an optimist, a striver, a hardworker and not one to give up easily on a goal, so I am naturally allergic to lazy people, pessimists, people who whine or those who see lost opportunities but none of the opportunities headed in their direction with neon signs.
I focus on the present, peek at the past to learn how to undo a current behavior that is not serving me and I keep it moving.
Although I graduated from a fancy college and have taken a lot of college courses beyond my degree, I appreciate the benefits of what a keen mind can learn from the world and work or the informal education. Intelligence, an inquisitive mind and being able to have an argument based on discussion of facts, not feelings, is all I need to connect along with a healthy dose of optimism.

After a conversation or exchange, online or offline, with someone, I ask myself
"Is this a person I want in my life?"
"Is this person an energy sucker?"
"Is this person verbalizing his/her own insecurities through attacking others or attacking me?"
"How do I feel after dealing with this person?"

Energy is energy, whether online or irl. It's important to be clear about relationships.

PEOPLE WHO BELONG IN MY WORK LIFE: If a person wants to disagree with me just to disagree with me, writes a response to something I've written online in an incoherent manner, and has no salient points, this is a sign of insecurity. This character is challenging my confidence in myself and my ideas, not my ideas.
This is something I would categorize as a work issue -- something which happens in a classroom if I'm teaching. As a teacher, I would help the student write in a cogent manner and I would teach the student to argue by asking pertinent questions.
Something along the lines of . . . Where is your evidence for disagreeing with this statement?
This is not a person I would have in my personal life.

DEPRESSED, UNMOTIVATED PEOPLE WHO WANT TO TAKE HOSTAGES:
I have no friends who are depressed and unmotivated because I find people like this very exhausting. When I encounter students like this, I am careful to keep the conversations short and focused because this type of personality continually shares negative information about their own lives, their friends' lives, and what they see on the news. Their focus is on the ugliness in the world and their own feelings of helplessness, as if they could never do anything to make the world better. These are the people who live and breathe the 'problem' and are not interested in discussing solutions. I really need a salary attached in order to engage with this kind of person.
I used to tell depressed students to watch standup comedy before going to bed instead of the news.

PERSONAL LIFE: My friends read books, newspapers, and they are strong-minded opinionated people. They have goals and work toward them on a daily basis, they research issues and they find my confidence inspiring, not threatening.

DELETING NEGATIVE ENERGY FROM YOUR LIFE
I am actively spring-cleaning my life and social media accounts. I have no interest in having people in my life who are not doing everything possible to be healthier, happier and more intelligently productive.
The people who always have the sad responses to my status updates or who whine about how miserable their lives are can hire me as a Wellness Coach, but they won't be chatting with me on Facebook or Twitter.