If you want to play the role of martyr in your life, you will have a lot of supporting players by Odilia Rivera-Santos

In many philosophical and religious texts, you will see mention of the importance of doing for others, selflessness, and thinking of others before thinking of one's own well-being.

This can be a confusing message.

If you help others before helping yourself, you run the risk of becoming very physically, mentally and spiritually depleted. And, you will also create unhealthy relationships.

If you are the triage center in your circle, especially in work and in your personal life, you have to examine why you choose the martyr role.

Self-Esteem Issues and Overwork

An interdependent or bidirectional relationship requires you to be vulnerable and to trust another human being to love you and want what is best for you. 

Compromise requires confidence in the ability of others and the willingness, on your part, to let go of control.

Sadness and Depression Expressed as Anger 

One of the most effective mechanisms for keeping people at arm's length is the tool of anger. This is an effective tool for keeping you from developing close intimate nonsexual relationships. People will tiptoe around you, avoid your triggers and keep away from you on days when your anger is raging.

When people are constantly censoring themselves and trying to avoid angering you, you end up with very few friendships and very few interactions.

Anger is exhausting to witness and hard on the nervous system for all persons involved, especially children.

Creating a Dramatic Story

You were abandoned by an important person in your childhood -- a time in which the brain is still being wired and we create our expectations for our adult selves.

You may have no conscious feeling or thought about this 'abandonment' but you have plenty of stories now about the people who don't call you, don't love you or who only call when they need you.

And the real question is 

Do you feel lovable?

Can you just be yourself without micromanaging another person's life or proving yourself all the time?

Can you offer just your company, sense of humor, and opinions about what you love and why?

Giving without Resentment 

Offer others only what you can give with no expectations and no strings attached; otherwise, you will add more logs to the fire of anger. Anger really is akin to a fire, heating up your nervous system, liver, causing red cheeks, migraines and can be very disturbing to witness.

If you give with no expectation and let go of control, your relationships shift. Relationships based on mutual interests instead of what one can provide for the other is a healthy reasonable

Non-resentment building relationship

-- infinitely more sustainable as well. 

Love When You Say Love, Poetry by Odilia RIvera-Santos