How to Avoid Taking the Bait

We all carry big stories with us throughout our lives. Like birds picking up bits of grass, twigs and mud to make a nest, we make our nests of words, deeds, environments and attitudes. In dysfunctional contexts, whether we’re speaking about the family of origin or the workplace, interactions have two main players who are vibrationally attracted to one another: the sadist and the masochist. They gravitate toward one another because their dynamic maintains each role intact — both masochists and sadists are borne of verbal, physical and/or sexual abuse. The natural progression of a steady diet of attack from without is to choose a side — an identity fixed in the old trauma. The masochist begins an attack from within - a kind of spiritual self-cannibalism. And the sadist is the abused who learned to continually push back against the abuser and continued the behavior until he or she becomes a newly-minted aggressor ready to find reasons to bully others. You can have compassion for either - one internalizes pain and the other externalizes it. But, most of the time, we find it easier to deal with the masochist whose pain is self-contained and self-inflicted. How do you know where you stand? ‘The victim as doormat’ If you show up at gatherings of any kind without a clear idea of what you need and want from the interaction, this is a self-esteem issue. Time is a very valuable commodity and not one to be thrown into the service of others’ needs without considering your own. Selflessness means you show up fully to a situation to be of maximum service and this requires your emotional, intellectual, and spiritual equilibrium to be intact. ‘The victim as aggressor’ If you show up at gatherings of any kind with a clear idea of what you want and need and what others should do, that’s a sign of low self esteem as well. In thinking relationships are about aggression and coercion, there’s a devalued sense of self and a belief you are not intrinsically likable and choose instead to manipulate your way through life. And this means You haven’t shown up yet. If you suffered from abuse as a child and never received counseling to deal with the negative patterns and habits the abuse left behind, it’s a good idea to see a mental health professional. If the abuse led to self-medicating with compulsive behaviors such as emotional eating, alcohol or drug abuse, caretaking others to avoid your own life or using money to self-medicate instead of for Selfcare, you can go to a 12-step group because they have them for everything: Alanon (for compulsive caretakers), A.A.(for compulsive drinkers), D.A.(Debtors’Anonymous - for people who make emotional and irrational decisions around money), N.A (Narcotics Anonymous - for drug addicts) and the list goes on and on. With the support of a 12-step group and a therapist familiar with support group tenants, you can begin to become more self-aware. Self-awareness requires a tremendous amount of input from others. an analysis of how you move through the world is necessary to see what improvements you can make. Support groups, therapy, meditation and writing about how you showed up in life on any particular day will allow you to see how many times you end up in the same situation, as if the universe were giving you yet another opportunity to pick up a new habit. How to avoid taking the bait and return to old behavior ... - look for the middle ground, which might seemed like looking for a needle in a haystack during a blackout. If you tend to talk a it, listen more. If you tend to listen a lot, talk more. Bother listening and talking are beneficial teachers, so it’s a good idea to practice doing what’s not natural to you. Maybe, talking a lot is a way to commander a situation and hide your fear that someone will challenge your assertions and be more knowledgeable than you. Maybe, listening a It is the protective sociologist stance whereby you get to be present and invisible at the same time. - the person who knows your triggers might get a kick out of getting you to react. When someone utters a hurtful casual statement, be silent instead of reacting. To the person who’s poking at you, your silence will be akin to someone tossing a hunk or raw meat in the middle of an elegant dinner party. It takes two or more to have a stupid senseless argument in which you defend your existence to another human being, so let go of the habit of wasting time on stupid actions - take your analysis and feelings to your journal where they belong. In your writing, the stories of why something triggers or injures you will come to the surface. And those stories belong in your notebook on a shelf, at the therapist’s office, in support groups, in song lyrics,poems, novels,creative nonfiction, fiction and scripts... but they don’t work well in other places. Changing habits changes your brain and the reference point for your compulsive behavior begins to shrink. The new reference point for actions stemming from self-awareness and intuition grows. And life gets better.

Transcendental Meditation ...

A couple of years ago, I attended an introductory talk on transcendental meditation on Madison Avenue in NYC. Having grown up with a brother who read Carlos Castenada and spoke about reaching enlightenment as one of his primary goals, I already knew TM would be important and a right fit for my life and experience. One of the many valuable lessons I received in conversations with my brilliant brother Orlando was that with awareness and a spiritual practice, intuition develops. After the TM intro, which seemed very familiar as if I had already heard everything the TM teacher was saying, I watched Jerry Seinfeld do standup. I watched him and thought he seemed unperturbed by everything. I looked at his face and felt a need to know what the mechanism was underneath this calm. And I looked him up on YouTube and found out he had been practicing TM for almost 40 years. I went to the training on September 23rd and it was very simple; the training lasted 4 days. I received my mantra and have continued to do two daily 20-minute meditation sessions. I have only missed 2 afternoon sessions since 9/23/18. TM has made me feel calmer and the increased awareness gleaned from this practice has helped me prioritize daily actions in order to finish projects and each meditation session feels like a restful swim into my subconscious where I’m allowed to bring small gems to the surface to examine. I feel rested, energized and excited to do the most menial tasks. It is hard to describe but I will keep trying. After a TM session, I feel myself as an integral part of a whole and the irritating details of quotidian life no longer grate. The nerves are happy and flexible.

On task in an Off-Task World by Odilia Rivera-Santos

Forward head motion is one of those ailments of the cellphone, FOMO, constantly-connected age. The slightly down turned head to read a tiny screen strains the neck, which can lead to pain radiating down one's back.

For those who know no other existence but one of obsessive-connectivity, the ability to sit for hours at a desk with the dry, non-glossy, non-hypertexted pages of a book may never come. It reminds me of people who can't watch black and white film because the lack of color 'bores' them.

Focus is a practice that requires practice. Without a plan to set aside time for reduced stimuli, we don't do it. Living in New York City means the moment you leave your building, you're thrust into the private lives of strangers: elevator conversations about custody agreements, actual breakups and worse are the abnormal norm. 

We are the Internet in the flesh, spilling over with too much information and poor privacy settings.

Rituals for De-escalating connectivity 

1. Meditation. It is a lot less complicated than you think. Set a timer for ten minutes, sit in silence, breathe deeply, and close your eyes.

2. Write down 5 actions you will take toward an offline goal -- organizing a group to lose weight, write, dance, run, do yoga?

3. Explore a different museum every day for one week. Take a guided tour with an artist/educator.

4. Buy a drawing pad and pencils.

5. Walk/run/bike through all the boroughs with friends, Transportation Alternatives or a Meetup group.

Disconnected and it feels so good.,

PTSD Can be a Collective Experience by Odilia Rivera-Santos

1. Choose a cause and know you cannot change anything alone.

2. Join a community at work on your cause and ask how you can help.

3. Devote fifteen to thirty minutes per day to being of service in whatever way is comfortable for you.

4. Keep a journal on your feelings, efforts, expectations, outcomes, and goals.

5. Be gentle with yourself. Ingesting violent imagery on a consistent basis can be very damaging. 

6. Take a time-out to laugh, be silly, have fun, play with your kids, nephews, nieces, watch standup comedy and take your self out of your self everyday.

7. Spend some time doing mindless or mindful physical activites. Walk, run, bike, clean, meditate, paint your apartment.

8. Socialize everyday even if it means going to the movies and chatting with the usher. Isolation causes desperation.

9. Step back when you feel overwhelmed. You cannot ingest a continuous amount of negativity on a variety of issues without slipping into a quicksand of hopelessness and negativity.

10. Watching videos of individuals being murdered is not activism; it's masochism. Unless you are a part of an investigative team, journalist, or a member of a jury, there is no benefit to be gained from watching assasinations. The visceral response to watching a video tends to revisit one's mind at unexpected times and this affects both mental and physical health.

11. Activism is humbling. We can each do a small part to eradicate societal ills and it must be a collaborative effort. To work in isolation is to fail and experience a greater sense of hopelessness.

12. Self-care, self-care, self-care. Often, a person will say "I love myself" because it is an accepted American mantra; however, if you examine your daily actions, do you SHOW yourself some love everyday? 

How to work with volunteers and make them love working for you by Odilia Rivera-Santos

Philanthropist billionaire without the billions: Treat your volunteers as you would any philanthropist who knocks on your door to donate money, because, in essence, a volunteer is putting money in your pocket. He or she is at your organization because of a real committment to a cause or your firm's mission. Subjective Viewpoint: Because the volunteer is not reliant upon your company or organization to earn a living, she/he can provide valuable feedback as to how to improve performance and productivity. They are more comfortable speaking about what is working and what needs work. Clarity and Reciprocity: Before you post an advert for volunteers, make a list of what you would have the volunteer do and make sure you have a clear work flow plan. Assign someone to train and supervise, if supervision is required. Think about what you will offer in lieu of payment. Can your organization provide any free training to enhance an individual's résumé? Can your organization include volunteers in programs providing discounts for your employees? A small token of appreciation goes a long way. Remember, the volunteer is willing to work for free and excited to do so. Respect: A worker deserves respect even if he or she is not getting paid. Be punctual, be organized and if there is nothing for the employee to do, sit down and revise your work flow plan. I have volunteered in many places where no one was sure what the volunteer was supposed to do, so people would sit around doing nothing or a person would be asked to do work meant for a paid employee. There is nothing more important than treating a worker with respect and dignity even if money is not changing hands. How do you get the volunteers to love working for you? Give them clearly-defined tasks. Be prepared for them before they arrive -- don't wait until they arrive to figure out what 'to do with them.' Let them know asking questions is fine. Unlimited coffee and/or tea. If you have employee gym discounts or restaurant discounts, add your volunteers if possible. Allow participation in meetings Know each volunteers name -- these are people, people! Respect their time. They have lives, jobs, families, etc. Before you ask for volunteers, write down what you need. Before you volunteer, write down what you need. IT is a reciprocal relationship in which both the organization and volunteer help strengthen a community and make good on their good intentions.

the Quiet Revolution: educating your kids on a shoestring budget by Odilia Rivera-Santos

By Odilia Rivera-Santos

You can provide an elite private school education for your children without spending any money. It does require that parents take a long look at themselves and invest time and energy in working one-on-one with their children.

1. Attitude - the adults are the prototype for what a child envisions as his or her future adult self. Your language is extremely important. Focus on solutions and not problems when you speak. If you constantly talk about problems, a child will feel that life is difficult and he or she will feel easily defeated. If you state the problem simply and go on to talk about how the problem may be addressed, the child learns critical thinking skills and gains an optimistic outlook. Teach that every problem has a solution.

2. Self-advocacy - young children have to be taught to be activists. They need tools for setting boundaries between themselves and other kids, adults, etc. They must understand that they have rights everywhere they go and that no one has the right to be verbally abusive or to touch them without permission.
Teaching children history with an emphasis on their particular racial or ethnic group as "victims" will create a sense of hopelessness and a person who feels hopeless is less likely to stand up for him or herself.
Make sure to expose children to the history of brilliant leaders and to focus on those who triumphed despite adversity.

3. Goals - the best way to teach children to set goals is to have some goals yourself and to speak to your child about the process. If you are a parent working on getting a G.E.D., do not speak about the experience with regret or in a way that connotes that you feel like a failure; instead, focus on talking about what you are learning and the interesting people you're meeting in the process.
Don't do the "Don't do what I did" speech because it is fear-based, boring and not effective.
Consider presenting yourself to your kids as if you were an employee.
The truth is that your kids are evaluating your parenting skills; your assessment as a parent will come in the way of your child's positive or negative behavior.
Be a dynamic employee/parent who the child will admire. Children listen to people they respect, admire or find interesting. This does not mean that you become their friend and abandon providing structure for children's lives; it means that you must be a person a child would like to emulate.
You are in charge but in order to be an effective parent, you must be humble enough to admit when your parenting approach is not working.
The goal is to have a happy interdependent relationship with your children in which they can make informed decisions when you are not around to offer guidance. If the parenting methods you are currently employing are not getting the results you'd like, change.

4. Standards - there are certain skills that a child is expected to learn before going on to the next grade. You can find a lot of useful lesson plans to do at home on PBS Kids and Starfall is a great website for phonics help.
http://www.pbs.org/parents/goingtoschool/what_1.html
http://www.starfall.com/

5. Language - teach your child Spanish by putting time aside to speak only in Spanish. You can choose to speak Spanish on the weekend or at night, but make sure you do not respond to your child if he or she speaks English. If you ask a question in Spanish and the child answers in English, keep asking in Spanish until you get an answer in Spanish. The most natural way to learn language is through employing it in everyday life: watch films, read books, listen to music and have conversations in the target language -- Spanish.
If your Spanish skills need some brushing up, Directo al grano is a great grammar book that provides a comparison of Spanish and English grammar. MIT offers free online courses -- take a Spanish class. Lo que no mata engorda.
http://www.amazon.com/Directo-grano-Complete-Reference-Spanish/dp/0130848018
http://ocw.mit.edu/courses/foreign-languages-and-literatures/

6. Recreation as work and work as recreation - you can teach reading comprehension, research skills and critical thinking through doing research on subjects that the child enjoys. You can read the same books and articles and talk about them.
Choose one day per week to go to the library and always keep the appointment.
It is a good idea to read books on library reading lists, as they represent books used in schools. Reading books at home before the child reads them at school will give them a sense of accomplishment and insure they are better prepared.
http://kids.nypl.org/reading/recommended.cfm
http://kids.nypl.org/reading/recommended.cfm

7. Oral communication skills - boys tend to give one-word answers to questions while girls only need one simple question to talk for two hours. Make sure every question you ask is open-ended. Open-ended questions force the child to think.
Did you have fun at school today? - this is a yes/no question
How was school today? - this is an open-ended question, which allows a child to produce language, review syntax, use of prepositions, etc.

Give the child your undivided attention without staring at them. Some kids feel scrutinized and as if they are being interrogated if you ask questions and make intense eye-contact. Be casual but listen closely. You can try having a conversation as you prepare a snack together or do some other quiet activity.
Do not interrupt a child who speaks slowly; he or she might process information slowly and interruptions will make the child feel uncomfortable about speaking.

Make sure the television is not always on.
Attention deficit disorder begins at home with too much stimulation: cellphones, television, radio, music, a group of people talking at once.

8.Make time for important stuff. Reading and talking with your children is vital. Throw your television out the window, but make sure no one is standing below first. Limit television viewing because there are very few jobs for people that require them to sit still, stare blankly and overeat.

A bad education is hard to undo but a great education is something that no one can ever take away from you. The best inheritance you can leave your children is intellectual curiosity.

Should we ask those who appropriate Black Culture to be activists? by Odilia Rivera-Santos

American culture is Black culture. 
White Content Creators appropriate ideas from Black Communities and earn billions. And everyone wants to be Black until it's time to look for a job or deal with police. 
The demarcations of cultural appropriation are set so that Content Creators and Performers, who aim to loot the stores of Black brilliance for their own gain, can keep walking when shit gets real.

Appropriation and protest. 
Black kids imitate White performers who got their ideas from Black kids. Ironic, no?
This points to the lack of understanding Black kids have regarding their own value and the intrinsic and monetary value of the culture they help create. 

Do White Performers and White Content Creators owe the Black community some recompense? 
Do these people who have the inner resources to take ideas from our 'hoods' and run with them owe the families of murdered Black kids something?

What are inner resources?
The belief you deserve to earn a lot of money from ideas. 
The belief you can change the trajectory of your life. 
The belief that family and friends will offer you support in success and in failure.
The belief you can ask for help without being labeled stupid or weak. 
The belief that asking for help in completing a project is a sign of strength and intelligence, not weakness and incompetence.
The belief that YOUR culture, YOUR ideas and YOUR vision all have value . .. even if you're Black.

What is poverty? by Odilia Rivera-Santos

I was teaching Spanish and noticed female students whispering as they stared at me. One of the students asked about my Tag Heuer watch, which had been a gift from my husband who is now my ex-husband, and another asked about the shirt I was wearing. They wanted to know the prices of my clothes and watch because they thought I looked cool.
In such a situation, I could take the compliment and keep it moving, but I didn't. The young women were interested in getting attention for being pretty, for wearing the right clothes and for a name brand everyone would recognize as expensive.
The objects were valued as a means of escape from a perception of one's own being as mediocre or not enough. When I was growing up, I valued people who were kind and gentle and if they wore inexpensive clothes or shoes, it didn't matter. I admired people who were intellectually curious and courageous within the confines of their confines.
The young women in front of me kept telling me I was beautiful and 'should' wear something really flashy to my teaching job. All my hopes of instilling a love of intellectualism were lost.
They placed a monetary value on everything that could capture someone's eye and I could envision tiny price tags being pinned on someone's beauty, shoes, clothes, hair length, skin color, etc.

The fetishism of labels is something I grew up with in the Bronx. Wearing the 'right' brand was a way to fit in and avoid criticism. I was never interested in joining the club, so I was the outcast.
I was openly poor in my neighborhood -- wearing the same Levi's for years, tattered sneakers and thrift store clothes.

The fetishism of intellectualism. Reading and getting lost in others' lives as a way of avoiding one's own is also an escape from the self and one's fear of reaching one's potential.
What if you reached your potential and it was a much lower floor than you'd dreamt?

What is poverty?
I would say poverty is thinking intellectualism or money or buying expensive clothes and trinkets can shift your perspective of yourself and your value in the world.
Poverty is chasing things, people and situations not meant for you.
Poverty is enduring every unhappiness in order to look good to others.
Poverty is thinking the best option is to live the life that looks good on paper, that impresses others and pleases people who will never know or care about your real life goals.
Poverty is every moment you delay doing what makes you happy.

The real foundation of the concrete is intangible, which is the biggest joke on us who strive to put the carriage before the horse. We build our mansions on the etherealness of a spiritual knowing of our value, which is not attained through gluttony of intellectual knowledge or acquisition of material things.

Prayer turns out to be the inscrutable true foundation of empire.

Life in an Artificial World. Social Media and Antisocial behavior by Odilia Rivera-Santos

The problem with getting everything you want in an illusory sense -- via the Internet -- is that you go outside expecting to get everything you want and when you don't get everything you want, you get angry and bitter.
Women in real life are real people.
Women on the Internet who obey your demands are amoral merchants.
A gentle reminder -- amoral means with no thought as to the morality or ethics of a particular act or situation.

Feminism means a woman has a right to live a peaceful life even if she is not interested in a man who keeps asking her out.

Being persistent with a goal -- buying a home, graduating from college, winning a Grammy -- is a good thing.

A woman is not a 'goal.'

You don't continue to pursue a woman who has clearly stated she has no interest in you. This is unhealthy behavior and not charming or flattering. It is scary.

Beware how you are perceived with your misplaced persistence.‪

Love When You Say Love, Poetry by Odilia Rivera-Santos

Every Line of Work has its Challenges. Detach with Paycheck by Odilia Rivera-Santos

You may be in your 'vision' job -- the one for which you've meticulously prepared. And there's the nagging irritation of the job's imperfection. When we begin to complain, even in our own heads or to a few trusted friends, about the work situation we had dreamt of, it's time to step back and look at ourselves.
Even the best possible scenario has its chinks and discomforts, because as human beings, we require friction, a problem and something to work toward perfecting. There's a myth that if you love what you do it doesn't feel like work, but some parts of what you love is work. Work is part of the mix.

The workplace is where we bring all parts of ourselves and then, we slowly learn to declutter our personalities in order to not bring so much of US to the job.
We prove ourselves, and we struggle with our sense of inadequacy or superiority and the personalities of others with whom we've chosen to engage. We choose our circumstances, our work and personal relationships, and our unrealistic expectations.
Irritation is a great opportunity for spiritual growth and a redesigning of our interpersonal skills.
If you pay attention to the patterns of personalities at a work situation, this allows you to change your actions and expectations without a complicated dialogue.
If you pay attention to yourself in different contexts, triggers that normally lead you to shoot-yourself-in-the-foot and burn-the-bridge-and-the-whole-damn-town behavior will slow down -- like someone trying to throw a ball underwater.
Seeing those triggers travel toward you in slow motion will give you time to consider your next steps.
Do you need to do what you've done in the past?
Do you need to do the opposite of what you've done in the past?
Do you need to just do nothing?

One thing that always works is to detach with paycheck.

Transnationalism for Dummies by Odilia Rivera-Santos

http://latinaauthor.blogspot.com/2014/04/transnationalism-for-dummies-by-odilia.html

Reading and telling and showing at 

The New Museum on April 19, 2014. 4:00-5:00

Writings on colonialism, being hemmed in and let out, sensualist excursions from Puerto Rico, the island of my birth, to the concrete silent, gray, black and white world of the mainland.

Brincando el charco.

Leaving Puerto Rican

Playing social worker

Being and being nothing and becoming someone unrecognizable.

Poetry

Stories

Art scrawled on walls.

Love When You Say Love, Poetry by Odilia RIvera-Santos

What is family? By Odilia Rivera-Santos

As adults, we create our own families and recreate the definition of family

What is a family?

A family is a group of people who get excited when you succeed and find ways to celebrate each achievement.

A family is a group of people who helps you when you falter, without judgement or criticism.

A family is a group of people who travel the long journey of life together and continue to care for one another through good times and bad, forming a net to catch you.

A family loves you despite your imperfections, neurotic tendencies and being different from whatever the norm might be.

A family is a group of people who listen to your plans, dreams and apprehensions with a focus on helping you become more confident in your abilities.

A family is a group of people whose lives are intertwined, not to engage in idle gossip, but to explore ways to be gentle,

Kind and of service to one another.

If your family of origin doesn't provide the compassion, love and support you need, improvise.

Make your family as you travel through experiences. And never be ashamed to admit you need a family/community to celebrate your successes, without jealousy or a sense of competition. And you need a family to keep you company, celebrate birthdays, achievements and holidays and to love you and accept you as you are -- anything less would not be a family..

If you want to play the role of martyr in your life, you will have a lot of supporting players by Odilia Rivera-Santos

In many philosophical and religious texts, you will see mention of the importance of doing for others, selflessness, and thinking of others before thinking of one's own well-being.

This can be a confusing message.

If you help others before helping yourself, you run the risk of becoming very physically, mentally and spiritually depleted. And, you will also create unhealthy relationships.

If you are the triage center in your circle, especially in work and in your personal life, you have to examine why you choose the martyr role.

Self-Esteem Issues and Overwork

An interdependent or bidirectional relationship requires you to be vulnerable and to trust another human being to love you and want what is best for you. 

Compromise requires confidence in the ability of others and the willingness, on your part, to let go of control.

Sadness and Depression Expressed as Anger 

One of the most effective mechanisms for keeping people at arm's length is the tool of anger. This is an effective tool for keeping you from developing close intimate nonsexual relationships. People will tiptoe around you, avoid your triggers and keep away from you on days when your anger is raging.

When people are constantly censoring themselves and trying to avoid angering you, you end up with very few friendships and very few interactions.

Anger is exhausting to witness and hard on the nervous system for all persons involved, especially children.

Creating a Dramatic Story

You were abandoned by an important person in your childhood -- a time in which the brain is still being wired and we create our expectations for our adult selves.

You may have no conscious feeling or thought about this 'abandonment' but you have plenty of stories now about the people who don't call you, don't love you or who only call when they need you.

And the real question is 

Do you feel lovable?

Can you just be yourself without micromanaging another person's life or proving yourself all the time?

Can you offer just your company, sense of humor, and opinions about what you love and why?

Giving without Resentment 

Offer others only what you can give with no expectations and no strings attached; otherwise, you will add more logs to the fire of anger. Anger really is akin to a fire, heating up your nervous system, liver, causing red cheeks, migraines and can be very disturbing to witness.

If you give with no expectation and let go of control, your relationships shift. Relationships based on mutual interests instead of what one can provide for the other is a healthy reasonable

Non-resentment building relationship

-- infinitely more sustainable as well. 

Love When You Say Love, Poetry by Odilia RIvera-Santos

Nyc Poor but Cool by Odilia Rivera-Santos

I was walking down the street and noticed a group of women in Harlem going to lunch on a Friday. They worked at a children's advocacy organization, which offered a low salary, a lot of stress and the opportunity to do incredible work bettering the lives of children and families with little to no recognition.

The three women appeared to have a Friday lunch ritual -- of going window shopping and to an inexpensive restaurant. They were fit, beautiful and very stylish, but they were living within their means: inexpensive clothes, shoes and designer knockoff bags. I thought about the importance of their work, the value they added to the community they serve and how nothing was cooler than a sense of accomplishment. 

I thought about how we assign monetary and spiritual value to certain types of work.

Watching the three women walk down the street on a Friday, they appeared happy and carefree. Their belief system had not been hijacked by materialism, nor had their work bound them to an ascetic asexual existence. 

This is why the blog is called NYC Poor But Cool

... In case you were wondering



Love When You Say Love, Poetry by Odilia Rivera-Santos

100 Things You Can Do to Make Your Life Better by Odilia Rivera-Santos

1. Pray
2. Take a bubble bath
3. Do some cardio
4. Go to a free museum gathering to meet new people
5. Create bidirectional relationships.
6. Visit a NYC neighborhood as if you were a tourist, take notes like a Travel Writer and plenty of pictures.
7. Visit a Career Coach to receive an objective perspective on your work life. Free at NYPL:
8. Take a yoga class
9. Take a meditation class.
10. Meditate for five minutes each morning. Sit in a silent, dark room and focus on abdominal breathing
11. Draw for 15 minutes.
12. Buy organic dried lavender. Place lavender in a glass or ceramic bowl which can withstand heat, pour boiling hot water and place a lid on it, let sit until cooled and pour in bath water.
13. Sign up for  a www.meetup.com group in an area of interest you've never explored
14. Find a mentor
15. Become a mentor
16. Dance -- at home, alone, with friends, or at a venue.
17. Ask your doctor for a thyroid screening to check for hypothyroidism or hyperthyroidism
18. Change your diet for five days. Eat raw or steamed vegetables with a protein source and two tablespoons of flax oil.
19. Call someone you admire, take him/her out for coffee and ask questions.
20. Write for 15 minutes each day about anything and everything.
21. Sign up for a free online MIT class
22. Listen to an educational, motivational, or spiritual podcast while lying on the floor or sitting still.
23. Start a book club. Assign books, get a location and find willing participants.
24. Give up a bad habit. If you can't do it alone, get help.
25. Write a letter to God.
26. Make a list of ten self-care actions and tape list to front door and fridge.
27. Write a Life Mission Statement: Why are you on earth again?
28. Shop in your closet. Give away what you don't want and reinvent what you're keeping.
29. Write down names of each person with whom you interact often. And ask yourself "How can I be a better friend, sister, brother, girlfriend, daughter, etc?
30. Sign up for an improv class. Make a fool of yourself to get over your fear of making a fool of yourself.
31. Pay attention to your interactions with people for an entire day. To whom did you give the most attention and energy? To the negative people? To the optimistic types? etc
32. Make a list of all your frustrations before going to sleep every night for 30 days.
33. Write a letter apologizing to a deceased relative.
34. Write a letter apologizing to a living relative.
35. Intercept negative self-talk with a self-care action. Refer to your self-care list.
36. Remove yourself from situations which are unnecessarily stressful and over which you have no control.
37. On Sundays, under the heading "I forgive myself for," make a list of all your mistakes during the week.
38. Crochet a scarf
39. Learn to knit
40. Have a www.netflix.com movie night potluck gathering with friends
41. Make a film with your phone
42. Join a walking group www.meetups.com
43. Make a collage of your life
44. Go to bed early, to sleep, one day per week
45. Drink water with lemon and a tiny pinch of salt
46. Make soup
47. Have a dinner party -- everybody can bring a little something
48. Go see live music
49. Got to a book signing by yourself and strike up a conversation with a stranger. Practice your irl social skills
50. Ask someone how to do something. Be willing to be teachable
51. Learn something new on Youtube and share info with friends
52. Donate $5.00, to something somewhere, anonymously
53. Give yourself a facial
54. Give yourself a pedicure
55. Simplify your email account.
56. Rethink how you let people into your life, on and offline
57. Promote someone else's work for fifteen minutes per week
58. Promote your own work for fifteen minutes per day
59.  Participate in a well-moderated online discussion
60. Keep track of your activities for one week. What do you need to change?
61. Get a massage
62. Go to an acupuncturist
63. Hire a Personal Trainer or Wellness Coach, even if it's for one session.
64. Go to a singles' event
65. Go for a walk in Central Park with friends
66. Join the NY RoadRunners' Group and attend their workshops
67. Set up a study schedule. What do you want to learn?
68. Go to the dentist.
69. Get health insurance
70. Make art: paint a piece of furniture
71. Wear brighter colors
72. Get some sun, even if you do it sitting by the window of your local coffee shop
73. Make a slow breakfast
74. Avoid conflict with those who have nothing to offer but conflict. Why engage?
75. Write a gratitude list.
76. Write a children's book for yourself as a child. What did you want to read when you were 6?
77. Write a letter to the new mayor. What do New Yorkers need according to you?
78. Write a letter to your seventeen-year-old self.
79. Look for your dream apartment even if you can't afford it. Imagine, visualization and the universe delivers.
80. Ask someone you trust for advice about something and follow his/her suggestions.
81. Fail
82. Get up after you fail
83. Analyze your successes
84. Stand naked in front of the mirror and thank God for every body part. One by one.
85. Read a newspaper in paper form. They still make them.
86. Avoid comparing yourself to others unless it's to instill a sense of gratitude. You may not be exactly where you want to be, but you're not in the Ukraine.
87. Accept your pace. Everyone is in the race and each of us has his/her pace
88. Run an actual race. Train, prepare, get great advice, watch your nutrition and do it.
89. Find a religious practice in which you feel accepted, loved and validated and make a committment
90. Linger, smile and talk after a networking event instead of hurriedly giving out business cards and talking to as many people as possible.
91. Go to the movies
92. Go to the Highline
93. Go to Cold Spring, New York
94. Go to the Cloisters
95. Write about who you were in your last romantic relationship and who you are now
96. Think about what you expect from yourself
97. Write a poem
98. Read poetry
99. Support local artists in NYC
100. Help someone with no expectations

The Compassionate Heart, work and Emotional Blackmail

By Odilia Rivera-Santos

I was recently asked to do some grant-writing for free, a Wellness Workshop for free and so on and so on. After the usual compliments about my 'brilliance' and 'talent,' I get the request to help the 'community'

I guess we have to define 'community.'

For me, the word refers to a group of people who wish me well and with whom I share an interdependent relationship.

An interdependent relationship means I help those who help me; if someone is hoping to provide me the opportunity to 'practice' my nerd skills, there's no need. I hone my writing and research skills on a daily basis and have nothing to prove by sitting kumbayah- style with someone to provide free labor.

My ancestors worked for free and it didn't bode well for them. The word 'community' is often thrown in for the emotional blackmail part. Making the person with the education and skills feel as though providing free services for agencies in low- income neighborhoods is mandatory in order to be considered kind, good, caring, and compassionate.

For many of us who grew up in low-expectation neighborhoods, the desire to be considered good -- the one who came back to help -- is extremely important.

However, the people most deserving of a salary and/or a higher salary, than those coming into the community, are those who understand the psychosocial challenges of being in the low-expectations community. The ones who come back know more than those who opened up shop in the hood after moving to NYC from the Midwest.

After thousands of hours of volunteer work, as an interpreter, translator, teacher, grant writer, etc., I just say no.

My work has value and paying someone to work for you also has value -- called it reciprocity or interdependence.

If I choose to volunteer for something, I will. If you ask for free labor and I say no, you might take it personally or you might stop talking to me. I'm grown, so I can handle it.

Refusing to work for free for a friend might elicit the ol' emotional blackmail

Odilia, I thought we were friends. Don't you like me?

We are friends. I do like you, but I like me more.

How is Your Spiritual 401K Doing?

By Odilia Rivera-Santos

Spiritual 401K Questions

1. What do you do to care for your body?

2. What do you do to care for your mental health?

3. What do you do to connect with God (insert your preference)

4. What do you do to be of service to your neighbors, community, friends, and family?

5. When was the last time you gave a gift anonymously with no expectation of praise?

6. What do you ask for upon awakening each day?

7. What biases do you carry with you against particular ethnic, racial or religious groups?

8. What do you do each day to be emotionally present for others?

9. What do you do to improve your work-related skills so your work may help more people?

10. What do you consider prior to investing in a company or organization? (From a $2.00 coffee to a major financial investment)

Do you suffer from depression or a depressive perspective? By OdiliaRivera-Santos

The work of changing one's perspective can be long and arduous, especially if a person sees negative traits as an integral part of herself.

I'm reminded of smokers who are horribly offended if you say 'it stinks of cigarettes in here' because they identify with the cigarette/their addiction to the point of personalizing a comment about smoke.

Learning from my students

While working with undocumented immigrants, survivors of domestic violence, and individuals on public assistance, I noticed how many of those with Medicaid were on antidepressants.

One woman would fall asleep in class despite being highly motivated to learn. I asked her why she was so sleepy and she explained it was the antidepressants she was taking. She was a young single mother, a victim of domestic violence and living in a homeless shelter. Her doctor had given her several meds, which made her so drowsy she could sleep twelve hours and still be tired. She was not able to function -- just like the individuals on Methadone with whom I'd also worked.

A young, intelligent Colombian woman of color with many reasons to be unhappy was classified as 'depressed.'

There are very few people who could endure what she had endured without emotional support -- she had no family or friends in New York. She told me she was falling asleep on the train, and I told her to go to a different doctor. She had considered changing doctors but didn't want to 'offend' her doctor.
A woman just coming out of a domestic violence situation rarely takes the initiative to take care of herself.

I kept prodding until she made an appointment with another doctor. The new doctor weaned her off of all the meds. He said she didn't need any of the drugs and recommended therapy. 

It is very dangerous to stop taking antidepressants unless you do so with the help of a physician, so if you want to change your medication, make an appointment with your doctor.

Once she got off the meds, she was focused, attentive and happy to be in class. She no longer feared she would lose custody of her three-year-old, and then, I began working with her perspective.

I pointed out every time she made a negative comment about herself, her life, her past, her ex-husband, her prospects in life and she would smile and say 'I did it again!'

After a while, she would say 'I no say negative thing.' And she would stop herself.

She wrote gratitude lists in class, and I had her write about what her painful experiences had taught her. Bad experiences are like shopping at a thrift store; if you're determined, patient and willing, you will find something worthwhile but you may have to dig through a lot of crap first.

I learned a lot about human behavior, depression and the power of positive or negative self-talk from this student. 

No emotional Support

She had no family support, no friends, and her world view had been shaped by an abusive childhood and abusive husband. She was taught to not trust people or to speak to anyone about her problems -- this was something her abusive parents and husband needed in order to stay out of prison. She was taught to protect those who hurt her the most.

Internalize the negativity and torture from childhood

She was taught that 'reality' was to expect nothing good and to accept she deserved crumbs. She was beautiful, smart and charming and dated abusive losers. She internalized her childhood abuse by seeking the familiar -- she chose to date a man who was similar to her abusive mother, father or both.

Maintain very low expectations

Her parents taught her that someone from her background would never be successful, and any attempt to succeed would end in humiliating failure. She got married at a young age to an abusive man and this provided continuity.

She lived as if she were in a prison from her parents home to her husband's -- he controlled the finances and didn't allow her to work.

Doctor as batterer

After she finally left her husband, she ended up in a homeless shelter and a doctor put her on meds. She may or may not have needed an antidepressant, but she was a battered woman not accustomed to questioning an authority figure or disagreeing with someone she considered 'superior' in some way.

A woman recovering from a life of violence cannot trust her thinking around authority figures because her survival mechanism was to acquiesce. I told her to take an interpreter to her appointments or a friend just so she could have the courage to ask a question.

Sometimes, people suffer from a depressive perspective, not depression

She got off the meds, starting going to counseling and keeping a gratitude journal and I was glad to have helped her open her eyes figuratively and literally.

What happened to her?

The last time I saw her, she had gotten a job, an apartment and she was smiling. And she still called me 'teacha.'

Survivalist Gear on a Winter's Day

Odilia Rivera-Santos

This has been a real winter with seemingly endless frosty mornings, talk of wind chill factor and ankle-high icy slush at every crosswalk. On Thursday morning, as one blizzard continued to pile up silence down normally noisy streets, I decided to take pictures of workers in the Bronx and in Harlem. There were few adventurers to be found and I recognized this as the kind of winter none of us missed and we certainly were no longer accustomed to real cold. 

Everyone was wearing survivalist gear -- waterproofed, covered up to the nose and, like true survivalists, taking very little risks. In survivor mode, you keep your nose to the grindstone and your eyes on your very next immediate needs -- no frivolity allowed. A walk to just walk is unheard of in survivorland, so I ventures out to break free of survivorism brought on by real weather. It is, after all, supposed to be cold in winter, and we would do right to be terrified of overly warm temperatures in Febuary.

I marched, in military coat and waterproof combat boots, through this problem of tangible weather... Walked through the Bronx, across the bridge headed to Harlem and ran into a few fellow adventurer friends who happened to be off-the-beaten-path types braving winter just to face it nose to nose.

Our beautiful city changes outfits and always manages an interesting admirable look from elegant to grunge to slovenly and I love New York City because when you turn a corner, there's always another and another and another. City living, just like life, is not for the faint-hearted or easily defeated.

Persist, Simplify, Live to Impress Yourself. By Odilia Rivera-Santos

No good comes from trying to impress others. If you're running a race, every second counts and every second of losing focus could bring about an injury or a loss in ranking.

Live to impress yourself and no one else because what other people think about you never matters. It is only actions taken for or against you that matter.

Your own thoughts about you, however, are incredibly important. Words and thoughts are vibrational -- sometimes, it is only through paying attention to your gut feeling or a flutter in your chest that we can decipher what to leave and what to move toward, as far as situations and people. 

Persist - everything worth having requires sacrifice mediated by common sense. The possibility of death or grave injury in pursuit of a goal might quell your passion.

Simplify - meditate each morning to see, hear and feel more clearly. Your actions throughout the day are more likely to approximate sanity if you get in tune with the omniscient being of your choice -- instead of running from bed to front door with a cup of coffee clinging to your hand.

Live to impress yourself - you know where you've been, you know what you've done, you know what you're worth, and looking left or right to see how others see you is a waste of time -- time better spent considering where you're headed.