How to Avoid Taking the Bait

We all carry big stories with us throughout our lives. Like birds picking up bits of grass, twigs and mud to make a nest, we make our nests of words, deeds, environments and attitudes. In dysfunctional contexts, whether we’re speaking about the family of origin or the workplace, interactions have two main players who are vibrationally attracted to one another: the sadist and the masochist. They gravitate toward one another because their dynamic maintains each role intact — both masochists and sadists are borne of verbal, physical and/or sexual abuse. The natural progression of a steady diet of attack from without is to choose a side — an identity fixed in the old trauma. The masochist begins an attack from within - a kind of spiritual self-cannibalism. And the sadist is the abused who learned to continually push back against the abuser and continued the behavior until he or she becomes a newly-minted aggressor ready to find reasons to bully others. You can have compassion for either - one internalizes pain and the other externalizes it. But, most of the time, we find it easier to deal with the masochist whose pain is self-contained and self-inflicted. How do you know where you stand? ‘The victim as doormat’ If you show up at gatherings of any kind without a clear idea of what you need and want from the interaction, this is a self-esteem issue. Time is a very valuable commodity and not one to be thrown into the service of others’ needs without considering your own. Selflessness means you show up fully to a situation to be of maximum service and this requires your emotional, intellectual, and spiritual equilibrium to be intact. ‘The victim as aggressor’ If you show up at gatherings of any kind with a clear idea of what you want and need and what others should do, that’s a sign of low self esteem as well. In thinking relationships are about aggression and coercion, there’s a devalued sense of self and a belief you are not intrinsically likable and choose instead to manipulate your way through life. And this means You haven’t shown up yet. If you suffered from abuse as a child and never received counseling to deal with the negative patterns and habits the abuse left behind, it’s a good idea to see a mental health professional. If the abuse led to self-medicating with compulsive behaviors such as emotional eating, alcohol or drug abuse, caretaking others to avoid your own life or using money to self-medicate instead of for Selfcare, you can go to a 12-step group because they have them for everything: Alanon (for compulsive caretakers), A.A.(for compulsive drinkers), D.A.(Debtors’Anonymous - for people who make emotional and irrational decisions around money), N.A (Narcotics Anonymous - for drug addicts) and the list goes on and on. With the support of a 12-step group and a therapist familiar with support group tenants, you can begin to become more self-aware. Self-awareness requires a tremendous amount of input from others. an analysis of how you move through the world is necessary to see what improvements you can make. Support groups, therapy, meditation and writing about how you showed up in life on any particular day will allow you to see how many times you end up in the same situation, as if the universe were giving you yet another opportunity to pick up a new habit. How to avoid taking the bait and return to old behavior ... - look for the middle ground, which might seemed like looking for a needle in a haystack during a blackout. If you tend to talk a it, listen more. If you tend to listen a lot, talk more. Bother listening and talking are beneficial teachers, so it’s a good idea to practice doing what’s not natural to you. Maybe, talking a lot is a way to commander a situation and hide your fear that someone will challenge your assertions and be more knowledgeable than you. Maybe, listening a It is the protective sociologist stance whereby you get to be present and invisible at the same time. - the person who knows your triggers might get a kick out of getting you to react. When someone utters a hurtful casual statement, be silent instead of reacting. To the person who’s poking at you, your silence will be akin to someone tossing a hunk or raw meat in the middle of an elegant dinner party. It takes two or more to have a stupid senseless argument in which you defend your existence to another human being, so let go of the habit of wasting time on stupid actions - take your analysis and feelings to your journal where they belong. In your writing, the stories of why something triggers or injures you will come to the surface. And those stories belong in your notebook on a shelf, at the therapist’s office, in support groups, in song lyrics,poems, novels,creative nonfiction, fiction and scripts... but they don’t work well in other places. Changing habits changes your brain and the reference point for your compulsive behavior begins to shrink. The new reference point for actions stemming from self-awareness and intuition grows. And life gets better.

Transcendental Meditation ...

A couple of years ago, I attended an introductory talk on transcendental meditation on Madison Avenue in NYC. Having grown up with a brother who read Carlos Castenada and spoke about reaching enlightenment as one of his primary goals, I already knew TM would be important and a right fit for my life and experience. One of the many valuable lessons I received in conversations with my brilliant brother Orlando was that with awareness and a spiritual practice, intuition develops. After the TM intro, which seemed very familiar as if I had already heard everything the TM teacher was saying, I watched Jerry Seinfeld do standup. I watched him and thought he seemed unperturbed by everything. I looked at his face and felt a need to know what the mechanism was underneath this calm. And I looked him up on YouTube and found out he had been practicing TM for almost 40 years. I went to the training on September 23rd and it was very simple; the training lasted 4 days. I received my mantra and have continued to do two daily 20-minute meditation sessions. I have only missed 2 afternoon sessions since 9/23/18. TM has made me feel calmer and the increased awareness gleaned from this practice has helped me prioritize daily actions in order to finish projects and each meditation session feels like a restful swim into my subconscious where I’m allowed to bring small gems to the surface to examine. I feel rested, energized and excited to do the most menial tasks. It is hard to describe but I will keep trying. After a TM session, I feel myself as an integral part of a whole and the irritating details of quotidian life no longer grate. The nerves are happy and flexible.

On task in an Off-Task World by Odilia Rivera-Santos

Forward head motion is one of those ailments of the cellphone, FOMO, constantly-connected age. The slightly down turned head to read a tiny screen strains the neck, which can lead to pain radiating down one's back.

For those who know no other existence but one of obsessive-connectivity, the ability to sit for hours at a desk with the dry, non-glossy, non-hypertexted pages of a book may never come. It reminds me of people who can't watch black and white film because the lack of color 'bores' them.

Focus is a practice that requires practice. Without a plan to set aside time for reduced stimuli, we don't do it. Living in New York City means the moment you leave your building, you're thrust into the private lives of strangers: elevator conversations about custody agreements, actual breakups and worse are the abnormal norm. 

We are the Internet in the flesh, spilling over with too much information and poor privacy settings.

Rituals for De-escalating connectivity 

1. Meditation. It is a lot less complicated than you think. Set a timer for ten minutes, sit in silence, breathe deeply, and close your eyes.

2. Write down 5 actions you will take toward an offline goal -- organizing a group to lose weight, write, dance, run, do yoga?

3. Explore a different museum every day for one week. Take a guided tour with an artist/educator.

4. Buy a drawing pad and pencils.

5. Walk/run/bike through all the boroughs with friends, Transportation Alternatives or a Meetup group.

Disconnected and it feels so good.,

PTSD Can be a Collective Experience by Odilia Rivera-Santos

1. Choose a cause and know you cannot change anything alone.

2. Join a community at work on your cause and ask how you can help.

3. Devote fifteen to thirty minutes per day to being of service in whatever way is comfortable for you.

4. Keep a journal on your feelings, efforts, expectations, outcomes, and goals.

5. Be gentle with yourself. Ingesting violent imagery on a consistent basis can be very damaging. 

6. Take a time-out to laugh, be silly, have fun, play with your kids, nephews, nieces, watch standup comedy and take your self out of your self everyday.

7. Spend some time doing mindless or mindful physical activites. Walk, run, bike, clean, meditate, paint your apartment.

8. Socialize everyday even if it means going to the movies and chatting with the usher. Isolation causes desperation.

9. Step back when you feel overwhelmed. You cannot ingest a continuous amount of negativity on a variety of issues without slipping into a quicksand of hopelessness and negativity.

10. Watching videos of individuals being murdered is not activism; it's masochism. Unless you are a part of an investigative team, journalist, or a member of a jury, there is no benefit to be gained from watching assasinations. The visceral response to watching a video tends to revisit one's mind at unexpected times and this affects both mental and physical health.

11. Activism is humbling. We can each do a small part to eradicate societal ills and it must be a collaborative effort. To work in isolation is to fail and experience a greater sense of hopelessness.

12. Self-care, self-care, self-care. Often, a person will say "I love myself" because it is an accepted American mantra; however, if you examine your daily actions, do you SHOW yourself some love everyday? 

How to work with volunteers and make them love working for you by Odilia Rivera-Santos

Philanthropist billionaire without the billions: Treat your volunteers as you would any philanthropist who knocks on your door to donate money, because, in essence, a volunteer is putting money in your pocket. He or she is at your organization because of a real committment to a cause or your firm's mission. Subjective Viewpoint: Because the volunteer is not reliant upon your company or organization to earn a living, she/he can provide valuable feedback as to how to improve performance and productivity. They are more comfortable speaking about what is working and what needs work. Clarity and Reciprocity: Before you post an advert for volunteers, make a list of what you would have the volunteer do and make sure you have a clear work flow plan. Assign someone to train and supervise, if supervision is required. Think about what you will offer in lieu of payment. Can your organization provide any free training to enhance an individual's résumé? Can your organization include volunteers in programs providing discounts for your employees? A small token of appreciation goes a long way. Remember, the volunteer is willing to work for free and excited to do so. Respect: A worker deserves respect even if he or she is not getting paid. Be punctual, be organized and if there is nothing for the employee to do, sit down and revise your work flow plan. I have volunteered in many places where no one was sure what the volunteer was supposed to do, so people would sit around doing nothing or a person would be asked to do work meant for a paid employee. There is nothing more important than treating a worker with respect and dignity even if money is not changing hands. How do you get the volunteers to love working for you? Give them clearly-defined tasks. Be prepared for them before they arrive -- don't wait until they arrive to figure out what 'to do with them.' Let them know asking questions is fine. Unlimited coffee and/or tea. If you have employee gym discounts or restaurant discounts, add your volunteers if possible. Allow participation in meetings Know each volunteers name -- these are people, people! Respect their time. They have lives, jobs, families, etc. Before you ask for volunteers, write down what you need. Before you volunteer, write down what you need. IT is a reciprocal relationship in which both the organization and volunteer help strengthen a community and make good on their good intentions.

the Quiet Revolution: educating your kids on a shoestring budget by Odilia Rivera-Santos

By Odilia Rivera-Santos

You can provide an elite private school education for your children without spending any money. It does require that parents take a long look at themselves and invest time and energy in working one-on-one with their children.

1. Attitude - the adults are the prototype for what a child envisions as his or her future adult self. Your language is extremely important. Focus on solutions and not problems when you speak. If you constantly talk about problems, a child will feel that life is difficult and he or she will feel easily defeated. If you state the problem simply and go on to talk about how the problem may be addressed, the child learns critical thinking skills and gains an optimistic outlook. Teach that every problem has a solution.

2. Self-advocacy - young children have to be taught to be activists. They need tools for setting boundaries between themselves and other kids, adults, etc. They must understand that they have rights everywhere they go and that no one has the right to be verbally abusive or to touch them without permission.
Teaching children history with an emphasis on their particular racial or ethnic group as "victims" will create a sense of hopelessness and a person who feels hopeless is less likely to stand up for him or herself.
Make sure to expose children to the history of brilliant leaders and to focus on those who triumphed despite adversity.

3. Goals - the best way to teach children to set goals is to have some goals yourself and to speak to your child about the process. If you are a parent working on getting a G.E.D., do not speak about the experience with regret or in a way that connotes that you feel like a failure; instead, focus on talking about what you are learning and the interesting people you're meeting in the process.
Don't do the "Don't do what I did" speech because it is fear-based, boring and not effective.
Consider presenting yourself to your kids as if you were an employee.
The truth is that your kids are evaluating your parenting skills; your assessment as a parent will come in the way of your child's positive or negative behavior.
Be a dynamic employee/parent who the child will admire. Children listen to people they respect, admire or find interesting. This does not mean that you become their friend and abandon providing structure for children's lives; it means that you must be a person a child would like to emulate.
You are in charge but in order to be an effective parent, you must be humble enough to admit when your parenting approach is not working.
The goal is to have a happy interdependent relationship with your children in which they can make informed decisions when you are not around to offer guidance. If the parenting methods you are currently employing are not getting the results you'd like, change.

4. Standards - there are certain skills that a child is expected to learn before going on to the next grade. You can find a lot of useful lesson plans to do at home on PBS Kids and Starfall is a great website for phonics help.
http://www.pbs.org/parents/goingtoschool/what_1.html
http://www.starfall.com/

5. Language - teach your child Spanish by putting time aside to speak only in Spanish. You can choose to speak Spanish on the weekend or at night, but make sure you do not respond to your child if he or she speaks English. If you ask a question in Spanish and the child answers in English, keep asking in Spanish until you get an answer in Spanish. The most natural way to learn language is through employing it in everyday life: watch films, read books, listen to music and have conversations in the target language -- Spanish.
If your Spanish skills need some brushing up, Directo al grano is a great grammar book that provides a comparison of Spanish and English grammar. MIT offers free online courses -- take a Spanish class. Lo que no mata engorda.
http://www.amazon.com/Directo-grano-Complete-Reference-Spanish/dp/0130848018
http://ocw.mit.edu/courses/foreign-languages-and-literatures/

6. Recreation as work and work as recreation - you can teach reading comprehension, research skills and critical thinking through doing research on subjects that the child enjoys. You can read the same books and articles and talk about them.
Choose one day per week to go to the library and always keep the appointment.
It is a good idea to read books on library reading lists, as they represent books used in schools. Reading books at home before the child reads them at school will give them a sense of accomplishment and insure they are better prepared.
http://kids.nypl.org/reading/recommended.cfm
http://kids.nypl.org/reading/recommended.cfm

7. Oral communication skills - boys tend to give one-word answers to questions while girls only need one simple question to talk for two hours. Make sure every question you ask is open-ended. Open-ended questions force the child to think.
Did you have fun at school today? - this is a yes/no question
How was school today? - this is an open-ended question, which allows a child to produce language, review syntax, use of prepositions, etc.

Give the child your undivided attention without staring at them. Some kids feel scrutinized and as if they are being interrogated if you ask questions and make intense eye-contact. Be casual but listen closely. You can try having a conversation as you prepare a snack together or do some other quiet activity.
Do not interrupt a child who speaks slowly; he or she might process information slowly and interruptions will make the child feel uncomfortable about speaking.

Make sure the television is not always on.
Attention deficit disorder begins at home with too much stimulation: cellphones, television, radio, music, a group of people talking at once.

8.Make time for important stuff. Reading and talking with your children is vital. Throw your television out the window, but make sure no one is standing below first. Limit television viewing because there are very few jobs for people that require them to sit still, stare blankly and overeat.

A bad education is hard to undo but a great education is something that no one can ever take away from you. The best inheritance you can leave your children is intellectual curiosity.

Should we ask those who appropriate Black Culture to be activists? by Odilia Rivera-Santos

American culture is Black culture. 
White Content Creators appropriate ideas from Black Communities and earn billions. And everyone wants to be Black until it's time to look for a job or deal with police. 
The demarcations of cultural appropriation are set so that Content Creators and Performers, who aim to loot the stores of Black brilliance for their own gain, can keep walking when shit gets real.

Appropriation and protest. 
Black kids imitate White performers who got their ideas from Black kids. Ironic, no?
This points to the lack of understanding Black kids have regarding their own value and the intrinsic and monetary value of the culture they help create. 

Do White Performers and White Content Creators owe the Black community some recompense? 
Do these people who have the inner resources to take ideas from our 'hoods' and run with them owe the families of murdered Black kids something?

What are inner resources?
The belief you deserve to earn a lot of money from ideas. 
The belief you can change the trajectory of your life. 
The belief that family and friends will offer you support in success and in failure.
The belief you can ask for help without being labeled stupid or weak. 
The belief that asking for help in completing a project is a sign of strength and intelligence, not weakness and incompetence.
The belief that YOUR culture, YOUR ideas and YOUR vision all have value . .. even if you're Black.